Kitobni o'qish: «The Power of Time»
© Miller P., 2022
© Aegitas publishing house, 2021
Part One. The Look of Fate
Let Love take us
Under your wing!
There would be no happiness,
Yes misfortune helped…
And now what's left for us?
To try only to know oneself,
And through this Inspiration
Try to help others.
Let – nothing happens!
No one can help us!
And nothing remains,
How can we "overcome" this "everything".
I
When Svetlana Smirnova woke up at the sound of the alarm, she was not even surprised that she did not get enough sleep and it was time to go to work. Getting out of bed with struggle, she made it to the bathroom. First of all she reached her shirt, which was washed last night and left for drying. What was her surprise that it was still moist, as if right out of washing machine! «All right, – thought Svetlana, – I would have to find something else to wear».
She took another look at the reflection of her face in the mirror, set free from the fetters of sleep, a little elongated, with beautiful like the blue sky eyes, accurate lips with charming movements. Touched her aristocratic nose, spread long heavy lashes, fixed still sleeping brows and stated to take care of thick and curly fair hair that covered her forehead and fell on the shoulders almost reaching bust. Pressed lips as if wanted to smile and proceed to the kitchen after turning off bathroom lights.
While tea was heated, Svetlana opened the window and became surrounded by the freshness of the chilly autumn. She enjoyed autumn, especially at that time, in the remaining night darkness, when under the завораживающих star light on the dark sky dopey trees become weaker and weaker and every moment compete for its leaves with the forces of nature. But forces of nature are stronger; they are draining the tree crown leaf by leaf, tearing their essence from the mask of the foliage.
Sveta lighted up a cigarette, letting the smoke pass in the kitchen window. Everyone was sleeping in the total silence and only in a few neighbor homes the lights were glowing. Nothing was bothering her, but for a reason unknown perception was addled. Svetlana switched attention to the flying comet, got lost in her thoughts, and the cigarette ash fell on the floor. Only then an idea to make a wish which she desired for a long time came to her mind. At that moment, the craving of her wish coming true became especially strong and Svetlana even felt a slight dizziness. She jerked hand abruptly, dropped a cigarette butt that burned her, dropped an ashtray on the floor and thought: “I need to pull myself together”. After collecting ashes from the floor she turned off the tea pot, opened the cabinet doors to get a mug and became frozen on the spot fixing eyes in the sink at the chicken covered with ice which was left there at 6 pm yesterday to melt. Chicken looked exactly the same as she got it out of the fridge. Sveta was afraid of darkness, but decided to turn off the lights and lit a candle. She started another cigarette sitting still at the chair, trying to organize thoughts in vain and understood: she could not think about anything at the moment but felt something obscure. That became frightening: rays of light in the facets of the crystal ashtray, comet flying away and the sky which become edification of coldness and loneliness. Heart started to beat a little faster. Taking a look in the corridor, Svetlana suddenly noticed that two green eyes are staring at her without blinking from the darkness. Svetlana curdled and realized that she is not scared any more. Lighting another cigarette, she remembered that yesterday a dog was brought from a village. It even became easier to perceive herself at that moment.
Ejecting the smoke and having a sip of tea, Sveta firmly decided that precisely today she would talk to her husband about what was torturing her for a long time. She dressed up, entered her son’s room, sat on his bed carefully not to wake him up, stroked his head, kissed and left.
A tear slowly ran down the cheek, then another one. «Enough, have to leave for work», – said Sveta to herself. Quietly leaving the apartment, she stood at the door for some time placing the bag near her. Her eyes streamed tears and she did not have strength to understand what was happening and could not move. Tears kept falling down, smudging mascara and powder over the face. After taking a deep breath, she calmed herself down, grabbed a bad and started to slowly getting down the steps from the second floor.
– Hello, Sveta! Is everything ok? – Like a bolt from the blue asked the neighbor who entered the apartment building from the street.
– Everything is good, I am going to work, – she replied automatically.
– Did you change job? – He yelled from the above, moving fast.
– No, – whispered Svetlana and heard the neighbor closing his door.
«He works till midnight, and getting home only now… May be he changed jobs? Then why did he ask me that question? Strange”! – She thought.
Wind was blowing, playing with the fallen leaves. Sveta looked at the open space behind her home which she needed to pass. Wind was flapping the grass, and it seemed that it was the sea playing with waves and alluring them at the depth of the storm. She still haltered to take a step into that habitat, as if was asking for vigor from someone, becoming intimidated of the light of the Moon, which was watching her hesitation formidably. But still she managed to calm her breath down and took the rout in the open space, looking at the stars not to see the grass which seemed to wish to swallow her. Svetlana noticed a flying comet again and immediately remembered her problem, that matter of which was that she desperately wanted a second child. Her husband Vadim is strongly against. It is not that he does not love children. They already have one child, and he loves him deeply. He works as a teacher in school, and kids just adore him! From the very beginning Svetlana had a feeling, that he simply protects her from unnecessary problems, and deep inside not against at all. However, something was stopping her and she could not find determination to discuss this important topic. It looked like the circumstances were fortunate, but no matter what she tried she did not find courage for the most important talk with her husband.
Passing dark streets in the yards at the cold autumn night, Sveta retired to herself so much that she did not notice at all the lack of lights in the windows and people on the streets. Public transportation should be working at that hour, but it was not there either. An experienced teacher of Russian language and literature raveled in herself and did not know what to do. She was walking this way deep in her thoughts before she grabbed a handle of the own school and pulled it roughly.
«I don’t understand anything, why is it locked»? – thought Svetlana, pulling the door handle one more time. All of the sudden her previous hesitation left and feeling inner strength she said to herself loudly «That is it, enough! I will solve this problem today! I will have another child»! She was surprised herself of founding courage at that specific day. Looking at the door again, she realized that it is purposeless to try to open the door by herself and knocked loudly. Silence. Appraising the situation, Sveta looked around, knocked on the school door again, then again and again. The door was opened by the guard.
– Something happen? – He asked without irony, but with a slight fear.
– Nothing happen; I came to work as usual. Why don’t you let me in? – Sveta felt unfathomable agitation, but tried to hide it.
– Excuse me, what time it is now?
Guard looked at her face attentively; it was tear-stained and stripes from the smudged mascara provoked strange thoughts. Sveta kept quite, staring at the tall, stocky man in his middle age dressed in uniform.
– So what happen? – He repeated. – Are you feeling bad, should I call the ambulance?
– No, thanks. Tell me please, what time it is? – Sveta spoke affirmatively, but her anxiety could be sensed.
– Half past midnight. May be I can help you with something?
– No, thank you, I better go.
With the lump in the throat, Svetlana rushed to the stairs of the high porch realizing that her nerves were on the stretch. She cried out loud at the same time as the school door slammed with crash. Sveta covered face with hands, dropped her bag and could not stop until she was taken by hand. She stopped crying, but was not moving hands away from the face, sighting deeply to calm herself.
– Don’t be scared, this is me. May be you want to come in and calm down?
– No, I will go home. Unless it is too difficult, could you please help me to get downstairs, I don’t see anything.
– Sure, sure of course it is not, – the guard lifted the dropped bag and helped her to get down the stairs.
– Excuse me, should I walk you home? I am not aloud to leave the building, but I can call someone for help.
But Svetlana already did not hear him, hardly perceiving the reality. It seemed that she is in a different world and carried away on the powerful wings of the giant bird, descending suddenly and soaring rapidly. Every moment of the received impressions absolutely could not be compared to that world that remained below and appeared so insignificant. All of the sudden she felt eerie. She fathomed that she represented a small particle of this world and required to return to it. Falling down accelerating speed Sveta thought: «I will be back»! It was not frightening at all, but she still decided not to look at the face of death. At the sight of the approaching earth it was getting more and more dolorous and heavy at heart. And nothing – not the expected paid, not the coldness, not the fear – nothing was there. After waiting for a little while, she opened eyes and saw the entrance door of her apartment, keys in the right hand and bag in the left. Striving hard not to think of anything, Sveta said to herself: «Enough, Svetonka, stop, calm down! Enough for today. Let’s go home and go to bed».
Falling asleep instantaneously, Svetlana saw herself in the unfamiliar commodious building. Something wicked was chasing her, something she was desperately scared of, and she was running away from it not knowing where and what for. All at once she entered an empty room which had no exit and hid in the corner. And the creature, overstepping the doorstep of the room spreading something that reminded hands, slowly approached Svetlana who was paralyzed from head to toes by horror. Sveta was shaking…Then she screamed from terror, opened her eyes and looked out of the blanket all wet, flushing, with disheveled hair and slowly started to gain consciousness.
– Darling, have you seen a nightmare?
Husband sat on the bed, hugged her and continued:
– It is three pm now. This morning I called school, informed of your illness and cancelled your classes. Should I heat something to eat love?
– Just tea dear.
– Ok.
Vadim left, and his voice pealed from the corridor:
– Allo! Who is on the phone? Oh hello dear…
Sveta realized that husband is talking to his sister. Oh yes, she has birthday today and they need to visit – have not seen each other for ages.
– Vadim, tell that we are leaving right after I finish tea.
Husband left to start a car. Sveta lifted a tea cup and her hand started to shake slightly as she remembered last night. "All right, – she thought, – it is all past. It is better to go ahead and solve my problem".
Closing the front door of the «Audi», Svetlana immediately gathered herself together and said:
– Vadim, you know how much I love you. I wanted to tell you for a long time that I want another child. We have a son already – that is great! Let’s have a daughter too, you know how I love children! I wanted to discuss this for a very long time, but could not find determination, more then likely because of the fear of refusal…
She could not contain herself again, and everything that tortured and excruciated her for years broke through…
– Calm down dear, what is wrong?
Sveta did not reply. They were passing the city for a long time and she could not abate even though she heard and was able to understand everything that her husband was saying – a very attractive man: tall, fit, green eyed blond with absolutely accurate facial features, confident voice and sight.
– I also want a child from you dear! I was only waiting for you to start the conversation!
Vadim took a hand off from his wife knee, hugged her and kissed on the lips, as he thought very fast. Before the kiss Svetlana acknowledged Vadim’s words and realized that she was torturing herself for years for no reason. And the burden – absolutely not necessary one – left all at once! Sveta felt as the happiest woman on earth. How good she felt and that very short moment!
After a kiss, Vadim took a glance at the road again while Sveta dropped the jaw and her eyes opened wide. Jeep was heading right into their direction. Collision was unavoidable – it became obvious right away. Everything that followed appeared in the slow motion. With every moment as the Jeep approached, Svetlana was loosing hope. She and Vadim clearly realized that there is nothing more to long for. It can’t be true! For everything to get ruined like that! In one moment, not having a time to start… In this situation Sveta absolutely was not thinking weather they would stay alive, she was totally consumed by her dream which seemed imaginary for years. At that specific moment, when she sensed it so close… So realistic!
It was indispensable not to let the collision happen. Vadim turned right on his side of the road, but the Jeep driver turned left on his. Why?! No more space on the roadside! Jeep was moving «head to head». The fact that the transmission was off and the speed was suppressed by breaks did not help much. Both drivers understood the essence of the occasion. Vadim was mostly concerned for Sveta. He could not concentrate on anything other then the happening situation but at the same time was so overwhelmed with emotions, that while turning the wheel and pressing the breaks was blaming everything on himself: «What was the point of hiding from the wife that I want to have a child too? For a result like this…» That was the last thought on Vadim’s mind, because at the very next moment his Audi and Jeep crashed and became a subject not liable to reconstruction…
II
Ascending to the school porch, Maxim walked slowly enjoying crunch of the clean snow. Then he stopped and took a look on the school yard that was still covered with the virginal white snow. “Strange, that has never happened before that I was the first one to come to school. Wow…” He stood still for some time, watching flying snow flakes, delighted by the windless and coolness of the frosty morning. Suddenly, Max noticed his footsteps and thought: "Can it be that I am such an insecure person? Footsteps are uneven, as thought I was staggering. When walking, seems even!" Getting ready to enter the school, Maxim noticed another oddity: on the turns he walked steadily and securely, without rush, however steps were located on the various length from each other and with the same number of steps to the left and right the distance significantly differed.
"What does it mean? – thought Max and after turning left walked eight steps. Then he turned around to the starting point and repeated his action. Then walked to the right. The result was the same. «Why is it happening this way? It can be like that in life: when a person thinks about something and trying to do it, something will be on the way not wanting for the event to occur exactly to the plan. Everything will be like it should be!" – disserted the student of the tenth grade. After changing in the dressing room, he ascended to the third floor for the lesson of Russian language. He looked fifteen years old, medium height, athletic build, with dark hair, green eyes and comely face, serious sight and smile. At that moment he was upset from the overwhelming facts of reality. Maxim was deliberating the problem of reality, imagination for a long time, as well as the human drive to do everything his way: «Don’t the steps prove that theory? No matter how you try, there won’t be precision, till you deviate from the verity, deceive, disguise or do things in the way they should not be done…»
School was silent, no one was there yet, and every movement which was accompanied by the sound created loud echo. Maxim felt somehow unusual, and rules of Russian grammar could not be recalled before the test. He looked at the classroom door and did not even want to attend the class: «Why do I need a failing grade? Next class is chemistry anyway – chemistry, which means another failing grade. Very good! Then algebra – a third one. All together! Totally perfect! Yes, by the end of the week things are going not so good». Max’s face became serious, cheeks blushed: «Why did I decide to go to school today, does not make any sense! Got a headache yesterday, failed to do homework, and woke up early to make it to school without rush. Footsteps… Yes, I answered the question that bothered me, so what?»
Max got annoyed by thinking of nothing as well as of sitting at the cold window, so he made an effort, lifted himself and looked out of the window. School was entered by the students, voices and steps were heard, they were disturbing habitual science, disturbed from thoughts. He felt his own insignificance, when students started to pass the hall carrying bags and backpacks. They were running somewhere, hustled for the reason unknown, talked about something… Boring to listen to them! Max did not feel like communicating to his classmates today, he felt dreary in his soul and he did not know why. Sitting away from others, Maxim waited for the bell to ring.
Finally, the bell rang; all classes entered the rooms to begin studies, and only the class 10 "В" remained near the cabinet. In ten minutes’ school administrator Polina Pavlovna – tall, attractive and a very intelligent woman, a teacher of algebra and geometry in high school classes approached the class. Her curly hair up to the shoulder dyed in chestnut color, expressive face with brown eyes always looked good. Smooth, slow footsteps, showing calmness and imperturbable confidence in tomorrow allured with grace and charm. She was passing down the hall totally tranquil, but Max realized already that the lesson of Russian was cancelled. He looked at Polina Pavlovna and tried to predict her words. That was easy and complex at the same time.
– Good morning, students! Have you been waiting long? Svetlana Victorovna did not feel good yesterday, and classes were cancelled. Right now, not to waste time, proceed to Ekaterina Savelievna to the chemistry class.
Administrator spoke so quietly and calmly that it seemed every word insinuates in your soul and finds something to hold on to there. Her speech was appealing, like something inexperienced and frightening that attracts and intimidates at the same time by its inscrutability. Polina Pavlovna spoke like that every time, under any circumstances. It is always interesting to listen to her, even when the talk has no purpose.
– Polina Pavlovna, – girls bubbled all together at once, – can we go to your class?! Algebra is the last class we have!
– No, students! We have a test today; you need to understand that I can’t give a test to two classes at the same time. You need to write it today. So please understand my point and do not take offence. Ok?
Polina Pavlovna smiled, and even thought she could never make a perfect smile, companions always felt the warmth and tenderness she wanted to express.
– Can you let us leave earlier? Can we take a test second time if we fail it? – classmates were trying to waste time not to go to a chemistry class.
Raising from window sill, Max slowly walked down to corridor to the stairs, speculating how to explain his mother a bad grade in chemistry class: «There is no way I should go to algebra, then I can make it with one failing grade. But for mom it is already an occasion: one or many, the fact of having a bad grade this is what matters. Affray is expected». With every step he wanted to go less and less, finally did not want to go at all, but he had to! Had to get that failing grade! But what for? Max could not find an answer to that question. Before taking the steps he turned around and heard the voice of Polina Pavlovna:
– Nothing is going to change. Whoever finished work, can submit it and leave. If someone receives a failing or a poor grade and wants a better one, I will schedule a day for another test. Or you can take it during independent study time in class. Ok, go to the lesson, we have been talking for ten minutes already.
She approached the stairs where Maxim stood. May be he should tell her that he is not ready and wants to take a test another time? It would be a way not to go to a class today! Students outran teachers and already reached the second floor, when Polina Pavlovna reached the place where Maxim stood. At first he could not find courage to speak up. It is not comfortable to excuse yourself from the class.
– Polina Pavlovna, I need to go to the hospital to see a doctor. May I take a test during the next class and not go to the lesson today?
– Yes, Maxim, of course you can. There is no problem in that, if you need to go to the hospital – then go.
– Good bye, thank you Polina Pavlovna! You are such a wonderful person! – he whispered when she left.
Opening the doors of the chemistry classroom right in front of Maxim’s nose, Ekaterina Savelievna asked with in a strict voice:
– Shtuforuk, why everyone is here and you are running late? I was going to search for you! – she opened the door wide for Max to enter and continued:
– Put your bag down and go to the black board, please tell the class about isomers of carbon. Like usual, begin with physical properties and chemical structure and proceed to the reaction with acids and alkalis. Reactions will be written by someone else.
Maxim stood near his desk not thinking about anything and was waiting for a moment to announce that he was not ready for the class. Finally, a teacher finished her speech and looked at him attentively waiting for an answer.
– Ekaterina Savelienvna, I am not ready today, please don’t give me a failing grade. I promise I will give an answer at the next lesson.
– At the next lesson we’ll have another topic. You will give me an answer after classes when I have time but for now I shall give you a grade you deserve. If you correct it – good, if not – it will remain.
– Ekaterina Savelievna…
– I do not want this to happen any more! Next time you will be prepared in the timely matter. Enough, sit down. Who else is not ready? Tell me now, let’s not waste time.
The rest of the time till the end of the class Max wasn’t giving attention to the teacher, his friends sitting near, and of course not to the lesson. In his thoughts he was home and anguished about upcoming quarrel over the failing mark. He could not stand them: fracas have no point! And what is a failing grade? Right now you do not know the subject, but in a moment you know it and receive an excellent grade! So what is the meaning of fighting over it? Those thoughts were occupying head and disturbed thinking about something else, much more important. At that time, experiencing gloomy feelings, Max hoped that nothing else negative would happen that day.
The bell rang and Max, not talking to anyone, descended to the first floor, got dressed and left to the school porch. During the time of the lesson the yard became all covered with snow, and now, and the peak of the dawn, clean snow was blinding. Inhaling fresh air, Maxim felt slight dizziness and remained still to calm down. Then he stood on the step and started to get down carefully, since the stairs were covered with even layer of snow, fused together, and it was not possible to detect where to step. He recalled the morning thoughts about the footsteps on the snow but already was not paying attention to them, carefully passing paths and roads, playing for time to reach home. He needed to go home to pick up medical documents for visiting the doctor at hospital to check his condition after the surgery.
It was about eleven am when Maxim arrived to the decision to go home, giving himself a promise not to pay attention to what mother was going to say. Staying near the front door, he heard his mother doing laundry, running to the kitchen and rattling pans, managing to cook and do washing at the same time. As Max assumed, she remained in a great mood. He knew very well that his mother, Valentina Nikolaevna, feels herself totally peaceful and free only when she is home alone. Right now he has to break her intimate world again, set her free from the flow of the unnecessary emotions and bank that squall on his life scenario, which was growing more and more dramatic each day and affected Maxim poorly. He did not want to accept that any more, did not want to carry that burden.
Inside everything turned upside down and Max saw abysm in front of himself which had no bottom. Now! Now specifically he needs to avoid this downfall! But how? Nowhere to step on… Dizziness grew stronger and Max opened the door with his key. Mother did not hear the noise that he made; keeping in mind he needed to be at school at that time. Quietly entering the apartment, he looked at his beloved mother who always reacted inadequately at his actions. She was short, alive, energetic and constantly busy with something, strict and always requiring irrecusable submission. Her short hair, thin brows, big eyes, round cheeks, beautiful lips and nose – all her look was not usual and full of charms. Max started to feel hot and took shoes off; then he went to the room, grabbed his medical card and got dressed. At that moment mother noticed him. They both froze and looked at each other as if spotted something ethereal. Laundry machine stopped the cycle, snorted loudly and halted. Valentina Nikolaevna even flinched, but immediately came to life:
– Оh! What are you doing home?
– I came to pick up a medical card to go to hospital.
– Why did not you take it right away? Not to return to school?! What is going on?!
«She is loosing temper already, – thought Maxim. – If I tell her that I failed chemistry, who knows what is going to happen…»
– Which classes did you go to?!
– Literature was cancelled… – Max said quietly and understood that mother already figured out about his grade.
– What was then? What were you asked? What have you got?! I need to get everything out of you again?!
He had time to put shoes on already and tried to leave but mother blocked his way and when he tried to bypass her she pushed him forcefully and started to slash with a cloth on a face, yelling hysterically:
– What did you get?! For how long are you going to humiliate me?!
Maxim did not want to take any action, not even speak, but time was running fast and he, extending a hand for another cloth slash, pulled it away from his mother’s hand and threw in the leaving room, forcing out of himself with a major effort:
– I failed chemistry. Only one class! Are you satisfied? The rest I will fail tomorrow.
He stood up from the pier-glass abruptly, while his mother was standing still, astonished from what she heard, and passed in the narrow way.
"Could I work him to the rage? – Thought Valentina Nikolaevna after he left. At that moment she felt that she does not like to fume herself, but enjoys traumatizing and getting on his nerves. She was astonished at her actions. A very strange feeling. Right now, being a little shocked, she clearly understood it but in the usual condition-never. The door Maxim slammed sobered her mind but Valentina Nikolaevna didn’t even remembered what happen recently.
Leaving the house, Max saw nothing in front of him and his thoughts were very far away. At that time it appeared that everything happening does not depend on him, as if it was a regular event, not a burdensome one. However, why it affects his feelings the way it does he could not explain. Newly precipitated and joyfully crisping snow, fresh frosty air still had some influence on Maxim. Brightening sun light blinded him. Passing near school, he heard sparrows twittering, looked under his feet and noticed that the snow level is already reaching his ankle.
Sky was covered with clouds but in the gaps sunlight was giving warmth and Max hold for a minute trying to calm down. He did not succeed in that thought – tears were trying to break through. At that time he did not want to go anywhere. He grabbed snow and felt coldness, even thought it was not really cold, he just acknowledged that he should be feeling coldness. Hands turned wet and reddish and started to evaporate steam. Young man remembered his return home and another wave of emotions and impressions overwhelmed him, disturbing from clear thinking. He did not remember how he made it to the hospital but when he saw the tall porch he stopped and marvelled the view. It was all powdered with an even layer of snow and appeared ethereal. Maxim lifted his foot carefully, drowned it in the snow, making sure that he stands steadily, and slowly walked up the hospital stairs. Grabbing the door handle he suddenly realized that something was going to happen to him in the hospital: something was warning him of the waylaying danger.
However, putting those thoughts away, Maxim opened the door, entered the hospital and became surrounded by the repelling sultry and unbearable medication smell. Passing the hall and endless lines of people waiting, he was searching for his doctor’s office. Furious mothers who were ready to tear each other in pieces for their child to go first were getting on his nerves enormously. Not slowing down his confident footsteps, he tried to enter the office, boldly elbowing through the crowd of moms and grandmothers. At that time he attracted everyone’s attention. Blocking the office door, one of the most audacious mothers decided to show an example of outstanding courtesy:
