Magic

Conjurer. I don't quite understand you. What old apparatus do you want so much?

Morris. [Breaking out with all the frenzy of the young free-thinker.] Well, sir, I just want that old apparatus that turned rods into snakes. I want those smart appliances, sir, that brought water out of a rock when old man Moses chose to hit it. I guess it's a pity we've lost the machinery. I would like to have those old conjurers here that called themselves Patriarchs and Prophets in your precious Bible…

Patricia. Morris, you mustn't talk like that.

Morris. Well, I don't believe in religion…

Doctor. [Aside.] Hush, hush. Nobody but women believe in religion.

Patricia. [Humorously.] I think this is a fitting opportunity to show you another ancient conjuring trick.

Doctor. Which one is that?

Patricia. The Vanishing Lady!

[Exit Patricia.

Smith. There is one part of their old apparatus I regret especially being lost.

Morris. [Still excited.] Yes!

Smith. The apparatus for writing the Book of Job.

Morris. Well, well, they didn't know everything in those old times.

Smith. No, and in those old times they knew they didn't. [Dreamily.] Where shall wisdom be found, and what is the place of understanding?

Conjurer. Somewhere in America, I believe.

Smith. [Still dreamily.] Man knoweth not the price thereof; neither is it found in the land of the living. The deep sayeth it is not in me, the sea sayeth it is not with me. Death and destruction say we have heard tell of it. God understandeth the way thereof and He knoweth the place thereof. For He looketh to the ends of the earth and seeth under the whole Heaven. But to man He hath said: Behold the fear of the Lord that is wisdom, and to depart from evil is understanding. [Turns suddenly to the Doctor.] How's that for Agnosticism, Dr. Grimthorpe? What a pity that apparatus is lost.

Morris. Well, you may just smile how you choose, I reckon. But I say the Conjurer here could be the biggest man in the big blessed centuries if he could just show us how the Holy old tricks were done. We must say this for old man Moses, that he was in advance of his time. When he did the old tricks they were new tricks. He got the pull on the public. He could do his tricks before grown men, great bearded fighting men who could win battles and sing Psalms. But this modern conjuring is all behind the times. That's why they only do it with schoolboys. There isn't a trick on that table I don't know. The whole trade's as dead as mutton; and not half so satisfying. Why he [pointing to the Conjurer] brought out a bowl of goldfish just now – an old trick that anybody could do.

Conjurer. Oh, I quite agree. The apparatus is perfectly simple. By the way, let me have a look at those goldfish of yours, will you?

Morris. [Angrily.] I'm not a paid play-actor come here to conjure. I'm not here to do stale tricks; I'm here to see through 'em. I say it's an old trick and…

Conjurer. True. But as you said, we never show it except to schoolboys.

Morris. And may I ask you, Professor Hocus Pocus, or whatever your name is, whom you are calling a schoolboy?

Conjurer. I beg your pardon. Your sister will tell you I am sometimes mistaken about children.

Morris. I forbid you to appeal to my sister.

Conjurer. That is exactly what a schoolboy would do.

Morris. [With abrupt and dangerous calm.] I am not a schoolboy, Professor. I am a quiet business man. But I tell you in the country I come from, the hand of a quiet business man goes to his hip pocket at an insult like that.

Conjurer. [Fiercely.] Let it go to his pocket! I thought the hand of a quiet business man more often went to someone else's pocket.

Morris. You…

[Puts his hand to his hip. The Doctor puts his hand on his shoulder.

Doctor. Gentlemen, I think you are both forgetting yourselves.

Conjurer. Perhaps. [His tone sinks suddenly to weariness.] I ask pardon for what I said. It was certainly in excess of the young gentleman's deserts. [Sighs.] I sometimes rather wish I could forget myself.

Morris. [Sullenly, after a pause.] Well, the entertainment's coming on; and you English don't like a scene. I reckon I'll have to bury the blamed old hatchet too.

Doctor. [With a certain dignity, his social type shining through his profession.] Mr. Carleon, you will forgive an old man, who knew your father well, if he doubts whether you are doing yourself justice in treating yourself as an American Indian, merely because you have lived in America. In my old friend Huxley's time we of the middle classes disbelieved in reason and all sorts of things. But we did believe in good manners. It is a pity if the aristocracy can't. I don't like to hear you say you are a savage and have buried a tomahawk. I would rather hear you say, as your Irish ancestors would have said, that you have sheathed your sword with the dignity proper to a gentleman.

Morris. Very well. I've sheathed my sword with the dignity proper to a gentleman.

Conjurer. And I have sheathed my sword with the dignity proper to a conjurer.

Morris. How does the Conjurer sheath a sword?

Conjurer. Swallows it.

Doctor. Then we all agree there shall be no quarrel.

Smith. May I say a word? I have a great dislike of a quarrel, for a reason quite beyond my duty to my cloth.

Morris. And what is that?

Smith. I object to a quarrel because it always interrupts an argument. May I bring you back for a moment to the argument? You were saying that these modern conjuring tricks are simply the old miracles when they have once been found out. But surely another view is possible. When we speak of things being sham, we generally mean that they are imitations of things that are genuine. Take that Reynolds over there of the Duke's great-grandfather. [Points to a picture on the wall.] If I were to say it was a copy…

Morris. Wal, the Duke's real amiable; but I reckon you'd find what you call the interruption of an argument.

Smith. Well, suppose I did say so, you wouldn't take it as meaning that Sir Joshua Reynolds never lived. Why should sham miracles prove to us that real Saints and Prophets never lived. There may be sham magic and real magic also.

[The Conjurer raises his head and listens with a strange air of intentness.

Smith. There may be turnip ghosts precisely because there are real ghosts. There may be theatrical fairies precisely because there are real fairies. You do not abolish the Bank of England by pointing to a forged bank-note.

Morris. I hope the Professor enjoys being called a forged bank-note.

Conjurer. Almost as much as being called the Prospectus of some American Companies.

Doctor. Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

Conjurer. I am sorry.

Morris. Wal, let's have the argument first, then I guess we can have the quarrel afterwards. I'll clean this house of some encumbrances. See here, Mr. Smith, I'm not putting anything on your real miracle notion. I say, and Science says, that there's a cause for everything. Science will find out that cause, and sooner or later your old miracle will look mighty mean. Sooner or later Science will botanise a bit on your turnip ghosts; and make you look turnips yourselves for having taken any. I say…

Doctor. [In a low voice to Smith.] I don't like this peaceful argument of yours. The boy is getting much too excited.

Morris. You say old man Reynolds lived; and Science don't say no. [He turns excitedly to the picture.] But I guess he's dead now; and you'll no more raise your Saints and Prophets from the dead than you'll raise the Duke's great-grandfather to dance on that wall.

[The picture begins to sway slightly to and fro on the wall.

Doctor. Why, the picture is moving!

Morris. [Turning furiously on the Conjurer.] You were in the room before us. Do you reckon that will take us in? You can do all that with wires.

Conjurer. [Motionless and without looking up from the table.] Yes, I could do all that with wires.

Morris. And you reckoned I shouldn't know. [Laughs with a high crowing laugh.] That's how the derned dirty Spiritualists do all their tricks. They say they can make the furniture move of itself. If it does move they move it; and we mean to know how.

[A chair falls over with a slight crash.

[Morris almost staggers and momentarily fights for breath and words.

Morris. You … why … that … every one knows that … a sliding plank. It can be done with a sliding plank.

Conjurer. [Without looking up.] Yes. It can be done with a sliding plank.

[The Doctor draws nearer to Morris, who faces about, addressing him passionately.

Morris. You were right on the spot, Doc, when you talked about that red lamp of yours. That red lamp is the light of science that will put out all the lanterns of your turnip ghosts. It's a consuming fire, Doctor, but it is the red light of the morning. [Points at it in exalted enthusiasm.] Your priests can no more stop that light from shining or change its colour and its radiance than Joshua could stop the sun and moon. [Laughs savagely.] Why, a real fairy in an elfin cloak strayed too near the lamp an hour or two ago; and it turned him into a common society clown with a white tie.

[The lamp at the end of the garden turns blue. They all look at it in silence.

Morris. [Splitting the silence on a high unnatural note.] Wait a bit! Wait a bit! I've got you! I'll have you!.. [He strides wildly up and down the room, biting his finger.] You put a wire … no, that can't be it…

Doctor. [Speaking to him soothingly.] Well, well, just at this moment we need not inquire…

Morris. [Turning on him furiously.] You call yourself a man of science, and you dare to tell me not to inquire!

Smith. We only mean that for the moment you might let it alone.

Morris. [Violently.] No, Priest, I will not let it alone. [Pacing the room again.] Could it be done with mirrors? [He clasps his brow.] You have a mirror… [Suddenly, with a shout.] I've got it! I've got it! Mixture of lights! Why not? If you throw a green light on a red light…

[Sudden silence.

Smith. [Quietly to the Doctor.] You don't get blue.

Doctor. [Stepping across to the Conjurer.] If you have done this trick, for God's sake undo it.

[After a silence, the light turns red again.

Morris. [Dashing suddenly to the glass doors and examining them.] It's the glass! You've been doing something to the glass!

[He stops suddenly and there is a long silence.

Conjurer. [Still without moving.] I don't think you will find anything wrong with the glass.

Morris. [Bursting open the glass doors with a crash.] Then I'll find out what's wrong with the lamp.

[Disappears into the garden.

Doctor. It is still a wet night, I am afraid.

Smith. Yes. And somebody else will be wandering about the garden now.

[Through the broken glass doors Morris can be seen marching backwards and forwards with swifter and swifter steps.

Smith. I suppose in this case the Celtic twilight will not get on the chest.

Doctor. Oh, if it were only the chest!

Enter Patricia

Patricia. Where is my brother?

[There is an embarrassed silence, in which the Conjurer answers.

Conjurer. I am afraid he is walking about in Fairyland.

Patricia. But he mustn't go out on a night like this; it's very dangerous!

Conjurer. Yes, it is very dangerous. He might meet a fairy.

Patricia. What do you mean?

Conjurer. You went out in this sort of weather and you met this sort of fairy, and so far it has only brought you sorrow.

Patricia. I am going out to find my brother.

[She goes out into the garden through the open doors.

Smith. [After a silence, very suddenly.] What is that noise? She is not singing those songs to him, is she?

Conjurer. No. He does not understand the language of the elves.

Smith. But what are all those cries and gasps I hear?

Conjurer. The normal noises, I believe, of a quiet business man.

Doctor. Sir, I can understand your being bitter, for I admit you have been uncivilly received; but to speak like that just now…

[Patricia reappears at the garden doors, very pale.

Patricia. Can I speak to the Doctor?

Doctor. My dear lady, certainly. Shall I fetch the Duke?

Patricia. I would prefer the Doctor.

Smith. Can I be of any use?

Patricia. I only want the Doctor.

[Quietly.] That last was a wonderful trick of yours.

Smith. [Quietly.] That last was a wonderful trick of yours.

Conjurer. Thank you. I suppose you mean it was the only one you didn't see through.

Smith. Something of the kind, I confess. Your last trick was the best trick I have ever seen. It is so good that I wish you had not done it.

Conjurer. And so do I.

Smith. How do you mean? Do you wish you had never been a conjurer?

Conjurer. I wish I had never been born.

[Exit Conjurer.

[A silence. The Doctor enters, very grave.

Doctor. It is all right so far. We have brought him back.

Smith. [Drawing near to him.] You told me there was mental trouble with the girl.

Doctor. [Looking at him steadily.] No. I told you there was mental trouble in the family.

Smith. [After a silence.] Where is Mr. Morris Carleon?

Doctor. I have got him into bed in the next room. His sister is looking after him.

Smith. His sister! Oh, then do you believe in fairies?

Doctor. Believe in fairies? What do you mean?

Smith. At least you put the person who does believe in them in charge of the person who doesn't.

Doctor. Well, I suppose I do.

Smith. You don't think she'll keep him awake all night with fairy tales?

Doctor. Certainly not.

Smith. You don't think she'll throw the medicine-bottle out of window and administer – er – a dewdrop, or anything of that sort? Or a four-leaved clover, say?

Doctor. No; of course not.

Smith. I only ask because you scientific men are a little hard on us clergymen. You don't believe in a priesthood; but you'll admit I'm more really a priest than this Conjurer is really a magician. You've been talking a lot about the Bible and the Higher Criticism. But even by the Higher Criticism the Bible is older than the language of the elves – which was, as far as I can make out, invented this afternoon. But Miss Carleon believed in the wizard. Miss Carleon believed in the language of the elves. And you put her in charge of an invalid without a flicker of doubt: because you trust women.