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– Ивана сына Ивана в темницу на седмицу, а Василису Премудрую пусть извозчик отвезёт, куда она укажет, – городничий был собой очень доволен: так быстро избавиться от Василисы с её жалобами получилось впервые.

Два стрельца подхватили Ивана под локти и потащили в известном направлении. Василиса же обратилась к скучающему от безделья извозчику:

– В царские хоромы, к Царю!

– Мож не надо? Царь наш батюшка Самодур Первый может и развести, а может и того! –выразительным жестом показал отсечение извозчик. –Али же рубль стрельцам дайте, они и потеряют в пути Ивана. А вам потом как вдове, может, выплаты какие положены будут…

– Вези, сказала! –злобно покосилась на советчика Василиса. –У нас царство правовое, по правде и решим.

***

Царь Самодур Первый и Единственный скучал. До второго завтрака оставался ещё час, казней сегодня не было, до охоты не было охоты, читать Самодур считал занятием неподобающим для столь светлого ума –нечего чужими глупостями голову забивать. А вот увековечить свои гениальные мысли –идея светлая. И начать, пожалуй, стоило с книги о Самодуре. Царь кликнул писаря и начал повествовать:

– Родились мы, царь Самодур Первый и Единственный в нулевой год от сотворения мира. Записал?

– Да, царь-батюшка, а батюшкой кого записывать? – спросил писарь, с тщанием выводя буквы на пергаменте.

– Самодура Первого, конечно, бестолочь! – разгневался царь.

– А его б… батюшку? – заикаясь, спросил писарь.

– Стрельцы, писаря на плаху, такая пустая голова ему без надобности! – крикнул за дверь Самодур.

– На чём мы закончили? – вспоминал вслух Самодур.

– На годе рождения Самодура Первого, царь-батюшка, – ответила Василиса. Её ввели стрельцы и сразу же поволокли писаря прочь из залы.

– И какой же год? – прищурился Самодур, разглядывая девицу.

– Нулевой год от сотворения мира, царь-батюшка, – почтительно поклонилась Василиса.

– Писать умеешь? – прищурился царь.

– Умею, царь-батюшка!

– Баба, а образованная, – Самодур раздраженно цыкнул. – Таких в жёны нельзя. Бери перо, пиши дальше.

– Пришли с запада супостаты окаянные. Привели Идолище поганое и товаров непотребных три ящика. Такс… Что-то устали мы мысль мудрую доносить. Объявляю двенадцать часов дня! – один из стрельцов ловко прокрутил часовую стрелку до цифры двенадцать. – Перешли на летнее время, значит.

– Про время писать, царь-батюшка? – перо само по себе застыло над книгой.

– Это что за чудо без разрешения царского? – Самодур Первый топнул ногой. – Кто позволил самописное перо изобретать? Баба-Яга смуту вносит?

– Никак нет, царь-батюшка. Это подарок!

– Кто учил?

– Кот учёный. Прослушала курс у Лукоморья.

– Разрешаю перо самописное. Проси, чего пожелаешь! Денег нет, сразу говорю.

– Дай, царь-батюшка развод!

– Будет тебе развод, а муж у нас кто?

– Иван из рода Иванов. В темнице нынче.

– Пусть выполнит три царских указа, и ему будет развод или голову с плеч. Все прочь.