Bad Birthdays: The Truth Behind Your Crappy Sun Sign

INTRODUCTION

My personal relationship with horoscopes and astrology has gone through many stages. As a teenager and college student, I found the study fascinating and oh-so-relevant. I loved learning which tendencies the different signs had, and how the movement of the planets impacted on people’s moods and behavior. I studied compatibility reports tirelessly and considered how I would map out my sexual and romantic pursuits.

I had, however, one major problem with astrology. I hated my sign. I was born a freaking Virgo—arguably the most boring, unsexy, lame sign in the entire zodiac.

“But I’m not boring,” I argued to myself. “I’m a fascinating, creative, unique person.” So I did some more research. I looked at my Moon sign and my rising planets, and by analyzing the exact time and place of my birth I was able to build up some more detail. My new, more complex horoscope still basically said I was just incredibly boring… except it didn’t come right out and say that. My chart used euphemisms such as, “reliable,” and “dependable,” and “doesn’t like change,” and “total control freak.” Whatever! I could go with the flow like nobody’s business. Couldn’t I?

I took a break from astrology for a while. I spent the latter part of my twenties never even using, “What’s your sign?” as a pick-up line, let alone as a genuine conversation topic. I carried on with my life, moved to New York City, went to graduate school, had relationships—lots of relationships. The one metaphysical allowance I made to myself was to attend the annual Psychic Fair in Denver, Colorado, near my parents’ home. Now let’s fast-forward to a Fair I went to a few years ago, just before my wedding. So… I’m sitting in the large, open hall with one of the hundreds of psychics and spiritual guides in attendance. Her booth is a card table covered with a lovely, ornate patchwork cloth and a sign on a tripod. A little stack of business cards offering a ten per cent discount sits on the corner of the table. I begin describing my upcoming nuptials, and feel my blood pressure rising. In fact, I feel myself beginning to freak out, and before I know it, I’m walking with the ghosts of boyfriends past, digging through all the past relationships that hurt me.

I blow my nose. (Yes, that’s right, I was crying for some reason at this point… I always get emotional at the Psychic Fair—I think that’s a “me” thing, not a Virgo thing.) I go on to explain how my first love, my high school boyfriend, had cheated on me and left me and I was scared that my husband-to-be would do so as well. The psychic crinkles her wise eyes and says, “Oh dear. What sign was he?” I told her that the ex was a Pisces, and that my fiancé is a Leo. She frowned. “Oh dear. Well, you may have issues with the Leo in other areas, but he won’t cheat. They’re very loyal… But of course the Pisces cheated on you. He felt like you didn’t and couldn’t really love him. And you probably really went outside your comfort zone with him, too, to try to make sure he didn’t cheat on you.” I blink a few times. She’d nailed it. She hands me a tissue and I blow my nose—loudly. She holds up the trashcan and I toss in the wad. She clicks her tongue, “I could have told you that a Virgo-Pisces match would end in infidelity and saved you that pain.”

I remember it vividly. At that moment, I wanted to stand up and scream. Why didn’t anyone tell me, then, if it’s such common frikkin’ knowledge? Why wasn’t there a book that told people the truth about their signs and their compatibility? After leaving the Psychic Fair I went back home and launched an investigation, just to make sure that I hadn’t overlooked something that stated the outright truth about my compatibility (or lack of it) with my ex, and really could have saved me the trouble of wasting time with him. Everywhere I looked I saw that a Virgo-Pisces match was mostly healthy, though everything was so vague! There were broad, sweeping statements like, “Pisces’s unreliability may disturb Virgo.” Um, yes! For some reason it disturbed me greatly when he was unreliable… and slept with other people.

I read and thought more. I brought out old resources that I used to read and checked into other aspects of my zodiac chart. I looked at family relationships, career choices, money. I looked at how I would be as a parent, how I would relate to my friends. And everything I read was double-talk. “Virgos born on this day care more about their passion for their job than their money.” That basically means that I shouldn’t expect to get rich. “Virgos born on this day may find that they have different opinions on child-rearing than those of their friends.” This one basically means that I would grow up to be a judgmental mommy, right? Well, when the normal wishy-washy zodiac descriptions are boiled down to their essentials, all that’s remaining is what stinks… what chip you were born with on your shoulder… which cross you were born to bear. Knowing the good stuff is the icing on your cake; knowing the bad stuff can save both your life and your relationships.

I decided, as I browsed, that all these euphemistic phrases—peppered liberally through the regular zodiac horoscopes—are basically ridiculous. The astrologers who study the skies and delve into nature’s impact on human behavior are very astute—but they’re too scared to say what they actually mean. They think that, if they’re general and vague, they will be able to cast a wide enough net to encompass all of the possible relationship outcomes that may play out between two signs.

This is not that book. This book is about the worst possible scenarios. This book will tell you outright if your doomed relationship will end in infidelity—and if it’s wrong, and your partner doesn’t stray… then, hey, you got lucky and ended up with a spouse whose personality defies their zodiac sign. If the astrological descriptions in this book don’t apply to you, that’s a good thing… because this book is filled with the most despicable, disgusting, and aggravating aspects of your star sign.

Through the course of my study, and in writing this book, I have actually come to terms with my Virgoness. My vexatious Virgonity. Now that I’m married and have kids (a Leo and twin Scorpios, Lord help me), I realize that being “reliable” and a “total control freak” suit me just fine. I’m even fine without amassing a large amount of wealth because I have a job that I love (although, if you want to send in donations, just contact my publisher).

The truth is that each sign has its own terrible qualities and its own fatal flaws. Take a look, read ahead… and find out the truth about whether or not your zodiac sign brings out the worst in you.

ARIES generally use force to get their way instead of the itty-bitty bits of brain they have in their head.

TAURUS dislikes change so much that he or she is completely unwilling to listen to a significant other.

GEMINIS are shallow, gossipy, sarcastic, and think that they’re better than everyone else.

CANCER comes across as weak. No matter how often they leave the house, deep down they’d much rather be in sweatpants in front of the television.

LEOS are egomaniacs and so non-analytical about their lives that they end up ruining their careers—and personal opportunities for growth—without even realizing it.

VIRGO is such a control freak that all the pleasures of life can fall by the wayside when they are trying to shape their world to meet their very specific needs.

LIBRA is incredibly vain, so much so that trying to have intellectual or deep conversations with them rapidly becomes pointless because they can see only their own point of view.

SCORPIO is basically just mean-spirited. Scorpions are vengeful and if you disobey their wishes, they will find some way to make you regret it.

SAGITTARIANS are foolish, putting their own short-term happiness above anything else.

CAPRICORN has to be right all the time. Capricorn would rather assume that everyone else on planet Earth is brainless than admit to being mistaken about anything.

AQUARIUS is on a soapbox all the time, and is constantly judging others about what they’re doing wrong.

PISCES would rather mope impotently and grieve all the things wrong with the world than actually take action to change anything.

This is merely the tip of the astrological iceberg. You’ll get a chill down your spine when you find out what it means to be born on your birthday. Read on, my friends,

and weep.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Introduction

ADVERSE ARIES

March 20 to April 19

TRAGIC TAURUS

April 20 to May 20

DEGENERATE GEMINI May 21 to June 21

CONTEMPTIBLE CANCER June 22 to July 22

LAME LEO July 23 to August 22

VEXED VIRGO August 23 to September 22

LOUSY LIBRA September 23 to October 23

SURLY SCORPIO October 24 to November 22

STINKING SAGITTARIUS November 23 to December 21

CURSED CAPRICORN December 22 to January 20

AWFUL AQUARIUS January 21 to February 18

PLAGUED PISCES February 19 to March 20

Acknowledgments

Copyright

About the Publisher

ADVERSE ARIES
MARCH 20 TO APRIL 19

Aries is the boss of it all, or at least the Ram’s strut makes it clear that he or she thinks they own the joint. What is it about Aries that makes them so confident? Is it their natural-born intellect—um, yeah, no, not so much. Aries, just like the powerful, muscular man-sheep that represents them in the cosmic zodiac, have way more brawn than brains. Their handy horns and blind, dumb ambition open doors for them that they could otherwise never have figured out how to work. Aries will just keep at it, battering down obstacles—left, right, and center—until they meet their goals.

It’s not that Aries are sociopaths or anything like that, it’s just that they really don’t care about other people very deeply. They can still operate within a family unit, and show up to birthday parties and ballet recitals, but the only real charge they get is from locking horns with the world and getting their destiny on track. They want to climb every mountain, ford every stream, find every rainbow… you get the picture. Arians need to find their own way in the world and deeply resent anyone who tries to make things easier for them. If there’s a choice between a clear-cut hiking trail and a wooded-over, lesser-traveled path, it’s pretty damn obvious which one the Aries is going to take.

Aries, you don’t tolerate any social funny-business. If someone uses the word “can’t” you might literally lose your mind. You rarely put something off, but when you do, it’s because you’re calculating your plan of attack. When other people put something off, it’s because they’re complete lazy-asses—and you’ll tell them that to their face. You don’t have a problem playing the “bad guy” and laying down the law. It seems as though you would not be invited to happy hour very often, but for some reason people like to have you around. Your swagger makes everyone else feel just a tad cooler. Don’t be too flattered, though. They all talk about you behind your back.

LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS WITH ADVERSE ARIES

The best thing you can do to pique an Arian’s interest is to act like you’re not interested. That’s basically the cardinal rule for interacting with an Aries. They love the chase and if you offer yourself up on a silver platter, they will immediately become disinterested. Aries will absolutely let you know exactly how he or she feels about you when the time is right—they are not shy with expressing their feelings and intentions. You have to treat an Aries like a fish on a hook once you capture their interest, letting the line out a little bit and then drawing it back in, then out again, then in again… and then they’ll be fully hooked.

Unfortunately, keeping an Aries on the hook once you’ve caught him or her is a highly physical and exhausting proposition. Aries needs the flames of passion to be consistently blazing—so try to keep things fun, exciting, and adventurous. Otherwise, an Aries may promptly lose interest and seek the heat elsewhere. Loving an Aries is like loving an erupting volcano. You’re almost certain that you’ll be burned—it’s practically a statistical certainty—but it’s so thrilling that you have to at least try.

Aries is very competitive, and sees his or her romantic partner as a possession, a prize to be won or lost. If you want to rendezvous with an Aries, you should look the part of a trophy date—nothing will make the Ram prouder than strutting around with a hottie on his or her arm. Conversely, if you aren’t at your smokin’ hottest, don’t expect Aries to roll out the red carpet for you. They will notice when you bring it, and when you’d prefer to be at home in front of the television wearing sweats. Aries is more terrified than other signs of growing old and irrelevant, so if their date admits they’d prefer to be at home watching Netflix, Aries might panic, run out for the evening, and find somebody new to tickle their fancy.

CHECKLIST FOR DATING AN ADVERSE ARIES

You’ll need at least half of these things to have a successful relationship with an Adverse Aries.

Sex appeal: Just remember, if it weren’t for the promise of regular intimacy and sexual intercourse, Aries would just stay single for ever. In Aries’s mind, his or her lover needs to fulfill their part of the bargain by looking—and acting—like their sexual fantasy.

Thick skin: Arians say what’s on their mind. They don’t sugar-coat it, they don’t cushion it, and they certainly don’t hold back… and that’s when they’re in a good mood. When they fall into a bad temper, you really need to toughen up. You have to be able to take what they dish out without falling apart, or they will lose their respect for you.

Affection: More than just hooking up, Aries needs to feel like they are important to you. If you find ways to show your affection and appreciation, like surprising him or her with flowers or some light poetry action, Aries will really value your efforts. Just don’t err on the side of cheesiness, or Aries will suspect that you’re just putting on an act.

Truth: Do not lie to an Aries. Aries will always tell you the truth, and if he or she finds out that you’ve lied… you’re toast. Don’t even try to stretch the truth. Don’t omit the important facts. Just come to the table naked and honest and be who you really are. Aries will admire that. They may not want to date the “real” you, but they’ll at least respect you.

A backbone: Your Aries will argue, insist, and even manipulate to get his or her way. Don’t give in. Respect is a cornerstone to a successful relationship with a Ram, and if you are constantly bowing to his or her demands, you’ll seem very weak. If you need to, practice saying, “No. Not this time,” in the mirror until you’re ready to actually try it out on your Aries partner.

Loose reins: Whatever you do, don’t try to control Aries. It won’t go over well at all. Aries needs to be free and independent to make their own choices, and if you come between them and their passions, you will be the one to get burned.

ADVERSE ARIES COMPATIBILITY
ARIES AND ARIES LOVE

Two Aries together basically makes life a giant competition. Who will be the most romantic? Who will be the dominant lover? Who will be the loser who has to do the dishes? Who will make the most money? Your entire relationship will be spent jockeying for power in every aspect of your life.

ARIES AND TAURUS LOVE

Aries will appreciate Taurus’s strength and conviction, and the Ram and Bull will be able to resolve their conflicts when they butt horns. Taurus will slow Aries down and Aries will liven Taurus up. The two will enjoy each other’s company in the bedroom and the rest is all details, right?

ARIES AND GEMINI LOVE

After an introductory stage—during which Gemini will overthink and second-guess whether or not dating the passionate, demanding Aries is a good idea—these two will settle into a routine that primarily involves going out to show off and then coming home to connect intimately. Both will be completely satisfied with this routine.

ARIES AND CANCER LOVE

Cancer doesn’t mean to be weak, but their natural sensitivity makes Aries want to put on his or her armor and come to the rescue. However, this imbalance of power in the relationship will make Aries resent Cancer, and Cancer will never really feel secure with an Aries for a mate.

ARIES AND LEO LOVE

These lovers bring out the best in each other. Aries is strong enough to be able to encourage Leo’s swelling ego, and Leo is hot enough to match Aries’s brightly burning flame. The only downside is that their super-hot sensuality comes across as über-obnoxious to their friends and family, and this couple may get the hose turned on them from time to time.

ARIES AND VIRGO LOVE

The more Aries looks at Virgo, the more his or her attraction fades away. Sad, but true. Even if Virgo is a good physical match, their desire to spray everything with Fabreeze and disinfectant is so sexually diminishing that Aries just has to walk away.

ARIES AND LIBRA LOVE

Libra treats Aries like a bedraggled orphan taken off the streets in a novel by Dickens. A love affair can begin as Libra is metaphorically combing the tangles out of the wild Aries’s hair and dressing him or her in clean and respectable clothing. Once Libra falls for Aries, the couple has a great chance of survival despite the harshness of the outside world.

ARIES AND SCORPIO LOVE

Flip a coin. Heads, you go to bed together and enter into what is definitely going to be the most gratifying and tumultuous relationship you’ve ever had; tails, you respectfully part ways and get on with your life. The odds of the coin flip are about the same as the odds of the relationship working, so this is really the only good way to figure it out.

ARIES AND SAGITTARIUS LOVE

An Aries and Sagittarius union is fun and exciting. This couple can have a wonderful time without needing to have “the talk” to define their relationship for a very long time, but eventually the Ram will want to make sure the Centaur isn’t shooting out arrows all over town.

ARIES AND CAPRICORN LOVE

The best example of how two signs' fatal flaws will clash. If they actually make it through the trip it will be a miracle, and when they get home and unpack their furniture, things will come to a head. Capricorn will insist that there’s a set of instructions in there for a reason, while Aries will be confident in his or her ability to find a better way to construct the furniture.

ARIES AND AQUARIUS LOVE

But what does it all mean, man? Aries and Aquarius will welcome one another’s assertions about the cosmos, the meaning of life, the true nature of love, and all sorts of other lines of philosophical inquiry. Their downfall as a couple will come about because they want to constantly get one up on each other… they should check in with themselves to see just how friendly their friendly competitions are.

ARIES AND PISCES LOVE

Pisceans keeps trying to get to know the real Aries, way down deep inside. Aries is like, “Sorry, this is it.” Pisces doesn’t understand that Aries puts everything out on the table and holds nothing back—there are rarely deep, dark secrets that need to be excavated.