Kitobni o'qish: «Sincerely About Us. Искренне о нас»

Dedicated

To the loving memory of Natasha who was one of the most creative and genuinely artistic people I’ve ever known and whose example showed me that I, too, could actually express myself in any way possible.

To my soul friends scattered all around the world: those I have already crossed paths with and those I am yet to meet.

Preface

“There are few things more powerful in the Universe than memory and connection.” – Oliver Queen to Barry Allen in Arrow

“Family isn’t just the people that you grew up with. It’s the people you find, the ones you love, ones that make you crazy, make you smile.” – Barry Allen to Sara Lance in DC’s Legends of Tomorrow

“I guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people you'll connect with. Later in life you realize it only happens a few times.” – Celine in Before Sunset

I think our souls really rejoice when we get to truly connect with another human being.

Although there are billions of people on this planet, we don’t get to see most of them because we’re not supposed to bond with all of them on a meaningful level. And it could be for various reasons which don’t necessarily mean that most of these people are bad for us. It only means we are not supposed to and cannot click with everyone.

We’re all very different, we all have different personalities that are not compatible with everyone around us. And it’s fine. It’s even great because it makes those instances when we recognize “our” person, creating that first thread of connection between us and another human, so much more special. Moreover, way too often these special moments don’t happen in grand settings but rather they are very fleeting, and if we don’t pay enough attention, they may pass us by without leaving any trace in our life and memory.

However, if and when we are mindful, suddenly a word, a scar, a smile, or an image bursts something bright in us into existence. This is pure magic to me. A second ago we might know next to nothing about this person but then BOOM! – we’re bound for life: as life-long friends, as a student and a teacher, as lovers, as travel buddies… We may not even realize it yet – or ever at all – but there’s a powerful invisible thread of energy, of instant recognition, of love and trust woven between our hearts and our eyes.

Even though we then have to leave this cozy bubble, we immediately KNOW in our heart of hearts that we’ll meet again. And again. And when there are enough threads between the two of us, we’ll feel this desperate strong need to stay close to this person for as long as possible, to nurture this budding connection, because it’s PRECIOUS and RARE. Surely, we feel that way not because we’re lonely, it’s just that all of a sudden we realize that it is simply better to be connected to this particular person and that we feel more abundant inside, more like ourselves than on our own.

I believe that we’re not actually seeking love and romantic relationships in life. We are all looking for authentic connections with “our” people, our spiritual tribe who are commonly referred to as soulmates, with whom we can then experience the best and most beautiful friendship, love, romance, partnership, and companionship. And regardless of how long these relationships actually last, these connections mark us for eternity.

Chapter 0. Origins

When I think of you, five specific images immediately come to mind, and I hold them very dear to my heart because I believe they have shaped a lot of who I am.

The very first one is mostly how I imagine the situation to have unfolded. As winters in our home country are known to be really harsh, gloomy, and cold seasons, you must have wanted to bring more light and joy into your day-to-day life. That’s why you gave me a name with the word “light” in it which I have always been grateful for. The idea of seeing the brighter side of things is something I’ve held onto even during my lowest and darkest moments. In addition, my name has led to a few funny incidents, like, when my baby nephews would look up in confusion or point at the ceiling upon hearing somebody say it.

As a child, I used to love looking through photos of baby me. Each time I came across one of them in particular, I felt a sense of adoration and care. In this photo a much younger you is seen squatting in front of me when I was sixteen months old, offering a fluffy dandelion. I suppose I always longed for your attention, but you were often busy working hard to provide for us. So this photo became the only tangible proof of your presence during my early years.

When I was very little, you had this awesome hobby of trekking in the mountains (it had started way before I was born). Mom was never pleased about being left alone with two kids for 2-3 weeks at a time but I guess she couldn’t fully comprehend what it meant for you. Having trekked in the Himalayas a few times myself, I absolutely get it, though. Now I truly understand why, when coming back home after another trip, you carried an aura of bliss, joy, and freedom along with you and were glowing from the inside through your thick bushy beard. I experience it all, too, whenever I’m out in nature, away from the noise and worries of city life. I’m sure you have passed this mountain-loving gene down to me, and it brings a smile to my face to know we have that in common.

There is one more thing that I often forget about, mainly because it has been an integral part of me for a very very long time. Strangely enough, it began with you. Despite spending most of my time with Mom as you worked from morning till night, I don’t recall her ever reading to me. However, when I was between the ages of five and eight, you often read to me. Instead of short stories or fairy tales, you chose long captivating novels about pirates and sea adventures which took you many consequent nights to finish. This bedtime reading became my most cherished part of the day, something I always looked forward to.

Among those stories, there was one that stood out from the rest. It was significantly shorter and featured a young girl as the main character. Its airy and unique atmosphere captivated my imagination, leaving a lasting impact for many years to come. In fact, I was so moved by this tale that I wrote an essay about it in high school, which became the first time I wrote something not out of obligation but out of genuine desire.

This beautiful and tender story taught me to have faith in what I believe in and showed me that even the most improbable dreams can come true. So, Dad, thank you for introducing me to The Scarlet Sails. This literary extravaganza will forever remain timeless and cherished in my heart.

Finally, what I will always owe you is my love for photography. It all began with my curiosity for the mystery and magic unfolding in our tiny bathroom when you entered it without turning on the lights and asked everyone not to disturb you in there. Though your photos may not have been artistic or sophisticated, they hold an immense value allowing me to relive some of the important childhood moments. Hardly any families we knew back then had photo cameras. It’s truly remarkable that we did, considering the fact that my early years coincided with the extreme scarcity of even the most essential goods in our country. Anyway, you meticulously documented many of my dance studio performances, all my birthday parties, our family picnics in the park, as well as my teachers, classmates, and various school events. As I entered high school, you bought me my first easy-to-use automatic film photo camera! I put it to very good use, assuming the role you had once held. Later, just before I went traveling on my own, and this old camera had broken, understanding the importance of tangible memories, you got me another compact camera, a digital one this time. It became my constant companion which I treasured dearly and kept by my side at all times: on the table during meals, next to my bed at night as I browsed through the day’s photos before falling asleep, and always tucked safely in my backpack during the day. Those photos have much lower resolution than modern ones but the mere fact of having them transcends their technical quality. Each image allows me to relive some of the most cherished memories of my young adult life. I can’t thank you enough for this gift.

Even though, just like you, I haven’t become a professional mountaineer or photographer, these are my all-time favorite hobbies, even passions, and they are rooted in you, Dad. Love you!

Chapter 1. My Sweet Cousin

You’re the only family member I’ve ever felt truly connected to. We met in the summer after my first year of school. You were about 14 at the time. What was remarkable about you is that you were a teenager who genuinely enjoyed spending time with your family: parents, grandparents, younger brothers, pets, as well as cousins.

When we arrived at your place, I vividly remember being showered with immense hospitality and warmth, something that I had never experienced before…

The entire time we spent with you, I felt cozy and snug. It was a new and very pleasant sensation for me. You would braid my hair and read bedtime stories to me in the attic of your countryside house. When I woke up in the morning, playful sun rays would greet me, and I would immediately rush downstairs to see you. I still have a couple of photos where I’m not looking at the camera but rather at you, with utmost admiration. They never fail to make me smile and be grateful to have you as my only female cousin.

We savored juicy watermelons and delicious river fish full of the tiniest bones, played happily with your dog, swam in huge pools of warm muddy water left on the riverbed after the Lena, this magnificent Siberian river, had partially dried up during the July drought, and then screamed at the top of our lungs as the adults attempted to rinse the mud off us with the icy cold river water.

Those three weeks were by far the brightest and most wonderful time I had ever spent with my family, albeit my extended one. As we were about to leave, I realized for the first time ever that I really wanted your mom to adopt me so that I could stay with you a little longer. I cried my eyes out at the airport before our flight, holding onto you tightly as if hoping it would change anything.

The kindness and warmth you radiated set the bar very high for the type of people I wanted to have more in my life. But I’m glad you did because thanks to you I learned that such people actually exist, that I might meet them and experience more beautiful human connections.

Chapter 2. My Only Uncle

You were my mom’s younger brother whom she adored. She never said that explicitly but I could see it in the smile that appeared in her eyes when she was talking about you. And I could definitely see where this admiration came from. Mom had moved out of your parents’ place when you were still in elementary school, so she was happy to see the man you had grown up to be.

You were a loving husband, an awesome dad to your two boys, and a very hardworking, energetic man with entrepreneurial spirit during the times when everyone tried to be mostly discreet. But above all, I remember you as someone with an easy-going, light-hearted, and simply larger-than-life personality.

You took us swimming and gave us a ride in a canoe, let us run in your garden, hide behind berry bushes, play in a small garden pool, climb trees, and eat wild berries from their branches. You always had a joke up your sleeve and a broad smile on your face, even when your eyes showed how tired you were.

Mom said you were in a rush all the time: in a rush to live, to work, to spend time with your loved ones, to enjoy as much of this life, of its big and little moments as possible – as if you knew you didn’t have much of it ahead of you.

You were gone way too early for such an amazing man, but I will never forget how much you loved your family and how much you loved life.

Chapter 3. My French Teacher

When I first entered your classroom at the tender age of 10, my classmates and I were welcomed by the most radiant person I had seen at school so far. That alone seemed like a promising start to tackling this new unknown “monster” in my schedule called French.

Surprisingly enough, after I’d been placed into the French one third of my class, my parents didn’t object to the school’s decision. They must have believed it was way better than studying German, while also planning for me to learn English, which was becoming more and more popular, as an extracurricular class. For me, it was all the same at first as I didn’t understand the importance of one foreign language over another. However, it soon became clear, even to my young self, that I’d ended up in the right group: ours was much smaller than the English one, so we received a lot of individual attention, and we actually had consistency in this class while English teachers came and went, often leaving their students rather confused about what they were trying to learn.

I often looked forward to your lessons. You were always gentle and had the kindest and most charming of smiles. I didn’t consciously realize it, but I could definitely feel that you had a deep love for your subject, you were immersed in the French spirit and, most importantly, eager to share it all with us. And it WAS contagious. Although memorizing those endless verb endings and noun genders was sometimes very difficult, I was inspired to go on by the immense happiness I saw in your big brown eyes.

One of the most fun things you did was match our Russian names to their French equivalents. I became Claire, of course. This was the first time in my life that I had been called a version of my name that sounded unusual, allowing me to show a slightly different side of myself. The biggest challenge for me was the French R sound. I just couldn’t – or didn’t want to? – get it right for several months. However, you were always very patient with me and never pushed or pressured me. And so then, one day, it finally happened. Not only did I learn to pronounce the R correctly, but I also felt like something else changed inside me; I guess, in that moment, I shifted from learning the language analytically to acquiring it with all my being: feeling and sensing it rather than thinking. That’s why, even to this day, I consider sound and speech imitation to be crucial steps toward mastering any language.

Many years later I accidentally bumped into you in our old neighborhood and to my surprise, you looked as young and dazzling as you did in our first lesson. Eventually, you shared with me that you had indeed been fresh out of university when you started working at my school; and fresh out of a couple of trips to France, which definitely contributed to you embodying its spirit. It turns out, even at such a young age, my intuition was right.

This intense appreciation of France and everything French, which I gained from you, stayed with me even after we got a new French teacher and then into my university years when it was my turn to visit this beautiful country. All the impressions I got during my travels there seemed to find perfect resonance within me. It felt as though I was not only predetermined to love France with all my heart but also destined to be loved back. The time I spent in France was safe, filled with adventure, and absolutely unforgettable.

You paved the way for my love of languages and cultures and helped me take my first careful steps on this path. Exploring these two foreign languages (French and English), delving into their depths and peculiarities, as well as discovering my own potential for understanding and appreciating them, have always brought me immense joy and comfort. I will be forever grateful to you for doing that, but mostly for doing it with the charm and kindness of an authentically French woman you have always been in my mind.

Chapter 4. My Lovely Opposite

Being friends with you for over 20 years (can you believe this?!) sometimes makes me feel like we’ve actually known each other for much MUCH longer… Besides, every time we meet up (I wish we would meet more often), time behaves strangely: it pretends not to have existed for the past few months – or years – making us believe we only saw each other a couple of days ago. Or even better: catching up with you brings out my teenage self who can laugh unabashedly and be as lively and carefree as I used to be, and that is invaluable. It’s also solid evidence that despite attending different high schools, then different universities, getting married, divorced, living in different cities, sometimes even countries, and having children, we haven’t changed that much since we first met as 13-year-old girls.

Coming to a new class after having had the same classmates for 7 years and seeing a multitude of mostly unfamiliar faces on the first day of school was quite overwhelming for me. You were in the same situation, of course, but as an extrovert, you seemed to be handling our new environment much better. That’s why your brown eyes not only reflected your intelligence but also a sense of calm and composure; combined with your pleasant smile, straight posture, and confident demeanor, you came across as one of the few approachable kids I had met. Given that there were only about 9 girls out of 25 students, it didn’t take long for us to become really close friends.

Surely, we had our differences: extrovert and introvert, lively and reserved, talkative and taciturn, confident and timid, Gemini and Capricorn, Spears and Aguilera, Nick and Brian (of the BSB); nevertheless, we always enjoyed each other’s company. I think there’s only one explanation for why we sometimes spoke ill of each other behind the other person’s back: as hormonal teenagers, we simply weren’t able to accept and embrace our differences for a while. But then, about 18 months into our bumpy friendship, we had such a lovely, long heart-to-heart conversation that it took the bond and trust between us to an absolutely awesome new level.

Another amazing aspect of our friendship is our similar taste in music and literature. For the longest time, you were the only person I knew who enjoyed and listened to a lot of foreign music, and had a solid command of English, enabling you to understand not only song titles but also lyrics, and even to sing along! This was in the pre-Internet era, so we had to listen to a song bit by bit, rewinding the tape a million times until we could have a more or less coherent version of the lyrics on our hands. The amount of green tea consumed in your kitchen or mine while discussing everything under the sun (mostly boys, of course) was simply astounding. And it must have been astronomical, the number of times you heard me say, “It’s all gonna be alright!” whenever you shared your worries.

What truly matters, however, is growing up alongside you and our “gang” during the most turbulent years of our teenage lives. We spent time together, celebrated the turn of the millennia, drank cheap beer and even cheaper wine, gossiped, admired Keanu’s chiseled brows as he woke up at his computer as Neo, excelled in school, got philosophical, dreamed about what the future might hold for us, got shut out of a classmate’s apartment barefoot, buried time capsules that we couldn’t find a year later… Ed Sheeran had a castle on the hill while we had a rundown stadium to hang out in. You’re one of the few people who raised me up in a way, and these things will stay with me forever, much like you and our timeless friendship.

Chapter 5. My English Teacher

If I remember correctly, I first met you on your birthday (and I’m rarely mistaken about dates, especially when it comes to the birthdays of the most important people in my life). How do I know this, considering it was our first lesson together and you didn’t say anything about it?

Apparently, I had been putting in a lot of hard work and showing even more enthusiasm for learning English. However, without the knowledge and practice that I lacked, it wasn’t enough for me to enter that one particular high school. So, my English learning club hired you, one of the best English teachers in the city, as my tutor to increase my chances of passing those exams successfully (my family was too poor to afford lessons with you)… Fortunately, it all worked out and I was on my way to our first class, bringing you some paperwork to sign for you to get officially hired. I couldn’t help but notice your full name and birth date on the first page and was genuinely surprised to realize you were okay with working on such a day. Back then, birthdays were almost sacred to me. Little did I know that when I grew up, I wouldn’t care about my birthdays, either.

Though I was extremely enthusiastic about learning English, I had next to zero speaking practice and struggled to string a couple of words together. However, you were incredibly patient, friendly and always encouraged me to find alternative ways to express my thoughts when I would get stuck on a single word and couldn’t move forward. After four months of weekly lessons with you and a lot of studying on my own, I was able to grasp certain grammar concepts, expand my vocabulary, write and memorize a few simple texts, and most importantly, start to overcome my shyness and actually be able to answer topic questions. I was amazed at how clear everything became after your simple yet brilliant explanations.

Entering the exam room, I was pleasantly surprised to see you as one of the examiners. It immediately lifted my spirits and put me in a much better mood than before. I truly believe that I have the Universe to thank, as when it was my turn to speak, the seat in front of you got vacant and not the other teacher. The simple fact of having a familiar face to talk to reduced my nervousness and boosted my confidence, even if only slightly. It was enough to pull myself together and answer all the questions calmly, although a bit awkwardly. You were fair and unbiased, but somehow I got the feeling afterwards that I had done pretty well and had a real chance of getting accepted. And I was accepted! This was my first accomplishment that held more significance for my life than words could ever express.

When the high school year began, I was no longer surprised to find myself in your group, I was thrilled! At the time I had no idea how academically challenging studying would be, but I was ready for it because I knew deep down that we had the most patient, talented, engaging, and simply fun teacher we could have.

Over the next two years, we had English classes every other day four hours at a time. I also spent countless hours doing grammar exercises, memorizing new vocabulary, writing essays, and coming up with what I would tell about my previous day in the next lesson. I was like a sponge, absorbing everything you and my group mates said, and was constantly in awe of how effortlessly you could speak another language and how much you knew about other cultures. I wasn’t simply motivated, I was actually inspired to work harder because I saw it in your eyes how much joy speaking another language could bring. It all clicked; I was definitely in the right place doing what I loved and would always enjoy: exploring other languages. Your classes continued to pave the road for my love of languages, which had been initiated by my French teacher in middle school.

Also, it was during your classes that I first realized, even if only subconsciously, that teaching could actually be very fun. One just needs to find the right subject or topic, the right students, and the right environment to make this process truly effective and enjoyable for everyone involved. For now, I have found my own perfect combination and I thank you for showing me how it could be done.

I have always cherished the heartfelt words you wrote in my graduation yearbook. In your little note, you expressed how wonderful it had been to know me for 2.5 years and to watch me grow from a shy child into a lovely young lady with more confidence in herself. It was the best compliment I had ever received from an adult and a teacher. It meant that you saw us not just as students, but as individuals with vast universes of feelings, personality traits and aspirations, and that was truly invaluable.

I want to express my eternal gratitude to you once again (in addition to all the Facebook messages I’ve sent on your birthdays over the 20+ years of knowing you) because I never get tired of doing it. Thank you for becoming a role model of a teacher and a person for me, for believing in me, and for encouraging me to express myself since our very first lesson together. This gratitude extends to a more recent moment as well when I shared with you my intention to write a collection of memoir-like essays, similar to those you assigned us in high school, and you were genuinely curious to read it. Well, here it is. I hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.