Kitobni o'qish: «The Complete Works of Josh Billings», sahifa 20

HARD TACK

I dont like tew speak disrespekfullness agin ennyboddys near relashuns, but i hav made up mi mind that Eve waz a phool, and that Adam waz a bigger one.

Too mutch religion iz wuss than none at all. Yu kant sho me a kuntry that haz existed yet, whare the people, all ov them, professed one religion and persekuted all other kinds, but what the religion ruined the country. (I paws for a repli.)

It iz a good thing for thoze who hav bin sinful tew turn over a nu leaf, but it often happens that, in doing this, they turn over two leaves at onst, and bekum so suddenly virtewous that they freeze up stiff.

It iz better tew kno nothing than tew kno jist enuff tew doubt and tew differ.

Charity is like a mule, a good servant but a bad master. When charity gits entire control ov a man’s affairs, it runs the affairs and the man both into the ground.

Selfishness iz the alter which every man sets up in hiz soul and asks hiz conscience to be high priest ov the cerimonys.

Cunning, at best, only duz the dirty work ov wisdum, and tharefore i dispize it.

Hartes and dimonds are the two strong suits for a woman to hold – klubs and spades for man.

I kant see what woman wants enny more rights for; she beat the fust man born into the world out ov a ded sure thing, and she kan beat the last one with the same kards.

The man who kan stand abuse kan generally stand prosperity. The only way tew beat the devil iz tew fite him with the Bible in one hand and a sword in the other.

If i could only praktiss az well az i kan preach, i would not thank a man tew warrent me in this world nor in the world tew cum.

The kream ov a joke dont never lay on the top, but alwus at the bottom.

Whenever i see a man anxious tew git into a fite that dont belong tew him, i am alwus anxious tew hav him, for i kno he iz certain tew be the wust whipped man in the party.

About all thare iz in mans natur that iz natral iz hiz sins, and about all thare iz in his natur that iz kultivated iz hiz way ov hiding thoze sins.

Pashunce iz oftner the result ov numbness than it iz ov principle.

I dont kno how it iz with other pholks, but with me, the fall ov the Roman empire iz a grate deal eazier tew bear than a fall on the ice.

I dont think thare ever waz a human being yet, who haz met deth without expekting in the last extremity tew be saved from it; even our Saviour uttered that wonderful exklamashun, “My God! my God! why hast thou forsaken me?”

I am glad ov one thing, that i am keenly alive tew mental and phisikal suffering – i had az soon be a hydraulik ram az tew be able to sit down and hav a big dubble tooth jerked out without winking.

Thare are but phew men weak enuff tew admit their jealousys – even a disgraced rooster, in a barn-yard, will git a little further off and begin tew crow up a new reputashun.

Thare haz been more men in this world burnt at the stake for serving the Lord than for serving the devil, and thare alwus will be.

I alwus did admire the malice ov the mule – if a freak ov fortune had made me as unfortunate among men az the mule iz amung animals, i would begin tew kick at things a mile and a haff off.

Men no doubt owe mutch ov their suckcess in this world tew chance, but chances dont go for a man, the man must go for the chances.

Econeme iz simply the art ov gitting the wuth ov our money.

Tew work iz the grate law ov natur – if the woodchuck dont dig a hole he wont hav one, it iz trew he may steal one, but then sum other woodchuck will have tew dig two.

Human happiness iz a dredful hard thing tew define. I hav seen a man, perfektly happy without enny shirt tew hiz back, bekum suddenly furious bekauze sumboddy had given him one, the collar ov which wan’t starched stiff enuff.

Thare iz a grate deal ov bad luk lieing around loose in this world, but it iz publick property, it dont belong tew ennyboddy in pertikular.

Things haz got so now, if a man stops, he iz a-going tew be run over, for thare aint no man ov consequentz enuff tew stop the whole proceshun.

If I waz a-going tew civilize a parcel of heathen on sum distant ile by the job, i should debate sum time in mi mind which tew send, dancing-masters or missionarys.

We speak ov “falling in love,” without always thinking that it iz the only way tew git in love – we all stumble into it, and kan seldum tell how or why.

One ov the very best things a man kan say when he haz reazonable doubts what he ought tew say, iz tew say nothing.

It iz a disgrace tew enny man tew be feared.

Sychophants are alwus the fust ones tew be sakrificed when disasters cum.

In a world like this, whare thare iz at least five false things to one that iz true, guessing iz poor bizzness.

The best kind ov advice tew foller iz that which agrees with our own opinyun.

SOLLUM THOUGHTS

The fear ov God iz the philosphy ov religion; the love ov God iz the charity of religion.

Hope iz a hen that lays more eggs than she kan hatch out.

Better leave yure child virtew than money; but this iz a sekret known only tew a few.

I honestly beleave it iz better tew know nothing than two know what ain’t so.

About the hardest work a phellow kan do iz tew spark two galls at once, and preserve a good average.

Prudery iz one ov virtews bastards.

A nickname will outline enny man or thing; it iz like the crook in a dogg’s taile, you may cut it oph, and throw it behind the barn, but the crook is thare yet, and the stump iz the epitaph.

If yu analize what most men kall plezzure, yu will find it compozed ov one part humbugg, and two parts pain.

When yu haint got nothing tew do, do it at once; this iz the way to learn to be bizzy.

We hav bin told that the best way to overkum misfortunes iz tew fight with them – I hav tried both ways, and recommend a successful dodge.

The art ov becomeing ov importance in the eyes ov others, iz not tew overrate ourself, but tew cauze them tew do it.

The true way to understand the judgments ov heaven is to submit to them.

Method iz everything, espeshily tew ordinary men; the few men who kan lift a ton, at plessure, hav a divine right tew take holt ov it tew a disadvantage.

The mind ov man iz like a piece ov land that, tew be useful, must be manured with learning, ploughed with energy, sown with virtew, and harvested with ekonemy.

Whare religion iz a trade, morality iz a merchandize.

Conversashun should be enlivened with wit, not compozed ov it.

The less a man knows, the more he will guess at; and guessing iz nothing more than suspicion.

Going tew law, iz like skinning a new milch cow for the hide, and giving the meat tew the lawyers.

Death, tew most ov us, iz a kind ov “farewell benefit,” – “positively our last appearance.”

Phools are quite often like hornets, verry bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.

Living on Hope, iz like living on wind, a good way tew git phull, but a poor way tew git phatt.

Jealousy don’t pay, the best it kan do, iz tew diskover what we don’t want tew find, nor don’t expekt to.

Sekrets are a mortgage on friendships.

I don’t think a bad man iz az dandgerous az a weak one – I don’t think that a bile that haz cum tew a hed, iz az risky as a hidden one, that may cum tew a dozzen heds.

A vivid imaganashun iz like sum glasses, makes things at a distance look twice az big as they am, and cluss to, twice as small az they am.

Hope iz a draft on futurity, sumtimes honored, but generally extended.

If the world dispizes a hypokrit, what must they think ov him in Heaven.

Flattery iz like Colone water, tew be smelt ov, not swallowed.

After all, there don’t seem tew be but this diffrence between the wize men and the phools; the wize men are all fuss and sum feathers, while the phools are all fuss and no feathers.

Without friends and without enemys iz the last reliable ackount we hav ov a stray dog.

Men generally, when they whip a mule, sware; the mule remembers the swareing, but forgits the licking.

Sum folks wonder whare awl the lies cum from, but i don’t, one good liar will pizen a whole country.

Hunting after fame iz like hunting after fleas, hard tew ketch, and sure tew make yu uneazy if yu dew or don’t ketch them.

Menny people spend their time trieing tew find the hole whare sin got into this world – if two men brake through the ice into a mill pond, they had better hunt for sum good hole tew git out, rather than git into a long argument about the hole they cum tew fall in.

Imaginashun, tew mutch indulged in, soon iz tortured into reality; this iz one way that good hoss thiefs are made, a man leans over a fence all day, and imagines the hoss in the lot belongs tew him, and sure enuff, the fust dark night, the hoss does.

If you must chaw terbacker, young man, for Heaven’s sake, chaw old plugg, it iz the nastyest.

INK LINGS

Truth iz like the burdocks a cow gits into the end ov her tail, the more she shakes them oph, the less she gits rid ov them.

Thare is 2 kinds ov men in this world, that i don’t kare about meeting when i am in a grate hurry. Men whom i owe, and men who want to owe me.

Thare iz always one chance agin the best laid plans ov man, and the Lord holds that chance.

Mi private opinyun about “abscence ov mind” is, that 9 times out ov 10, it iz abscence ov branes.

The flattery that men offer tew themselfs iz the most dangerous, bekause the least suspekted.

Take a kitten that kan hardly walk on land, and chuck him into a mill pond, and he will swim ashore – enny boddy kan apply the moral in this. The best philosophers and moralists i hav ever met, hav been thoze who had plenty to eat, and drink, and had money at interest.

It takes a wize man to suffer prosperity, but most enny phool kan suffer adversity.

Pride, after all, iz one ov our best friends – it makes us beleave we are better and happier than our nabors.

Before yu give enny man advise, find out what kind ov advice will suit him the best.

Knowledge is like money, the more a man gits the more he hankers for.

The vices and phollys ov grate men are never admired nor imitated bi grate men.

The trew art ov kriticism is tew excuse faults rather than ridikule them.

We hav no more right to laff at a deformed person, than we hav at a crooked tree – both ov them are God’s arkitekture.

How strange it iz that most men had rather be flattered for possessing what they hav not, than to be justly praised for having what they possess.

Suavity ov manners towards men iz like suavity ov molassis toward flies, it not only calls them to you, but sticks them fast after they git thare.

Thare iz a grate deal ov charity in this world so koldly rendered that it fairly hurts, it iz like lifting a drowning man out ov the water bi the hair ov the hed, and then letting him drop on the ground.

Exchanging kompliments iz another name for exchanging lies.

The greatest thief this world haz ever produced iz Procrastination, and he is still at large.

Religion iz nothing more than a chattel mortgage, excepted, and rekorded, az sekurity for a man’s morality, and virtew.

White lies are sed tew be innocent, but i am satisfied that enny man who will lie for phun, after a while will lie for wages.

The most valuable thing in this world iz Time, and yet people waste it as they do water, most of them letting it run full head, and even the most prudent let it drizzle.

The devil himself, with all hiz genius, allways travels under an alias – this shows the power of truth and morality.

If a dog falls in love with you at first sight, it will do to trust him – not so with a man.

One ov the hardest things to do is to be a good listener, thoze who are stone deaf succeed the best.

If you don’t kno how to lie, cheat and steal, turn yure attenshun to pollyticks, and learn how.

Thare are men who seem to be born on purpose to step into every thing, they kant set a common rat trap without gitting ketched in it.

A sekret iz like an aking tooth, it keeps us uneasy until it iz out.

I hav larn’t one thing, bi grate experience, and that iz, I want as much watching az mi nabors do.

The only way to larn sum men how to do enny thing, iz to do it yourself.

I don’t rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing, unless thare waz a man or two around.

A wize man is never so mutch alone, as when he iz in a crowd, and never so mutch in a crowd as when he iz alone.

I am satisfied that thare iz more weakness among men than malice.

Thare iz no man in the world so easy to cheat az ourselfs.

I don’t kno ov ennything that will kill a man so quick az praize that he don’t deserve.

Repentanse should be the effekt ov love – not fear.

The soul haz more disseases than the boddy haz.

Things that we kant do wouldn’t be ov enny use to us, if we could do them.

Amongst animals the most ignorant are the most stubborn, and i wonder if this ain’t so amungst men.

A phool seems tew be a person who haz more will than judgment, and more vanity than either.

The fust intimashun i had that i waz gitting old waz, i found myself telling to mi friends the same storys over again.

In repenting ov sins, men are apt tew repent ov thoze they haint got, and overlook thoze they hav.

A dandy never yet fell in love – only with himself.

Revenge sumtimes sleeps, but vanity always keeps one eye open.

Thoze folks who expekt to fail in an enterprise, most generally do.

A man with only one accomplishment kant expekt to interest us long.

We all git tired pretty soon looking at a goose standing on one leg.

EMBERS ON THE HARTH

The moon looks down at night upon the vices of the world and yet remains az chaste az ever.

Caution and curiosity are the privy counsillers ov truth.

I had rather not have a thing than tew be obliged tew wait for it.

We are always a-looking ahed, and that iz the way tew look; if the man at the wheel looks back he will soon beach hiz vessell.

The time tew be karefullest iz when we hav a hand full ov trumps.

I am a poor man, but i hav this consolashun, i am poor by acksident, not desighn.

What an unreal life most folks lead; they don’t ever hav a genuine taste ov sorrow during their existence.

How menny people thare iz whoze importance depends entirely upon the size ov their hotel bills.

Mother!– The holy thoughts and chastened memorys that cluster around this name can never be so well expressed az in the calm utterance ov the name itself.

It iz a good thing tew be hedstrong, but it iz a better thing tew understand that a stun-wall iz a hard thing tew buk agin.

Mankind ain’t apt tew respekt verry mutch what they are familiar with, it iz what we don’t know, or kant see, that we hanker for.

When i see people ov shaller understandings extravagantly clothed, i always feel sorry – for the clothes.

I am just az certain that thare iz sitch a thing az “Spiritual manafestashuns” az i am that there iz plenty ov superstishun and trickery.

Prosperity makes us suspicious ov each other, while adversity makes us trust in each other – the only way that i kan akount for this iz that in prosperity we hav sumthing tew lose, while in adversity we hav everything tew gain.

I konsider it a grate kompliment tew religion that there are only two substitutes for it; one iz hipokrasy, and the other iz superstishun.

It iz a safe mistake tew make to call a man “Kurnel,” who may in fakt be only a 4th Korporal.

We are never nearer right than we am when we fear we are rong.

Modesty weighs a pound, impudence only 6 ounces, this ackounts for the diffidence ov the one, and the vivacity ov the other.

Envy iz not so bad a pashun when it prompts us tew bild our chimney higher than our nabors, but when it prompts us tew hurt hiz draft it iz an awful mean one.

I thank the Lord for one thing, that he haz made the word no the hardest one in any language tew say.

Old dorgs nuss their grudges, but yung pupps fight and then frolik.

A man may git a big fut, or a pug noze, bi birthright, but nine-tenths ov hiz virtews are the effekt ov associashun or edukashun.

Confess yure sorrows, yure fears, yure hopes, yure love, and even yure deviltrys tew men, but don’t let them git a smell ov yure poverty – poverty haz no friends, not even among paupers.

Larning iz the only good substitute for experience.

I suppoze the reazon whi we all ov us admire the Atlantik Ocean so mutch iz bekauze it don’t belong tew enny boddy in partiklar; for what we kant own, iz about all that we aint jealous ov.

Pedantry iz ignorant knowledge.

Thare iz this difference between modesty and bashfulness, one iz paint under the skin, and the other iz paint on the outside ov it, liable tew wash oph.

Abstinence should be the exception, and temperance the rule.

If a man should happen tew reach perfeckshun in this world, he would hav tew die immediately tew enjoy himself.

One ov the best evidences ov our immortality, iz our desires tew be so.

A man who haint got enny imaginashun at all, iz just right for a hitching post.

Old age iz covetous, bekauze it haz larnt bi experience, that the best friend a man haz in this world, iz hiz pocket-book.

Love iz the fust pashun ov the heart, ambishun the seckond and avarice the third, and last.

Patience will tire out ennything but musketoes.

Deference iz silent flattery.

The chains ov slavery are none the less gauling for being made ov gold.

The love that a man gains by flattery, is worth just about az mutch az the flattery is.

“Happy as a king,” iz a libel on happiness, and on the king to.

If you will be familiar, you must expekt tew loose the confidence ov phools, and the esteem ov the wize.

Learning iz a good deal like strength, it requires good hoss sense tew know how tew apply it.

Grate men are knot bi enny means the best ov companyuns, they seldum kan ever enjoy themselfs.

Confess yure sins tew the Lord, and yu will be forgiven, confess them tew men, and yu will be laffed at.

Impudence is nothing more than open hipokrasy.

About the most we kan hope in our old age iz tew endure the thoughts ov what we enjoyed when we waz young.

There iz only one good substitute for the endearments ov a sister, and that iz the endearments ov sum other pheller’s sister.

HOT KORN

Thare iz a grate deal ov rezolushun in Gin, but kussid little judgment.

A nikname will not only outliv a man, but outlast even hiz tombstun.

What iz the chief end ov man? To foot hiz wife’s bills and foot the man who insults her.

A genial old man iz pleasant tew look upon, but a frisky old man is too mutch like an Irish wake to be captivating.

A man who kant fiddle but one tune, i don’t kare how well he kan do it, ain’t a permanent suckcess.

After all i don’t kno az thare iz ennything in this world that pays mutch better than being a natral born phool.

A literary reputashun iz hard tew git and eazy tew loose, and when once lost iz lost forever.

Thare iz grate art in growing old gracefully.

If a man haz got a good reputashun he better git it insured, for they are dredful risky.

Misplaced charity iz a good blunder tew make. If yu want tew git a good general idee ov a man’s karakter find out from him what hiz opinion ov his nabor iz.

It iz a grate deal better for a man tew be defamed than tew be praized for what he don’t possess.

Genuine happiness is like a genuine ghost, everyboddy talks about them and seems tew beleaf in them, but i guess noboddy hain’t seen one yet.

Solomon remarked “that thare want ennything nu under the sun,” and it duz really seem that if a man sez ennything nu he haz got tew lie a leetle tew do it.

I serpose that whi advise is such a drug in the market iz bekauze the supply alwus exceeds the demand.

Dandys and blujays are alike, both worthless without their feathers.

Gold seems tew be the standard of all values in this world Even virtew in a poor man, iz quoted 75 per cent belo par.

Watching one’s helth all the time iz like watching the weather – a grate deal of time iz lost, and thare iz just az menny showers after all.

We hear a good deal sed about the freaks ov natur, but i hav alwus noticed that when natur makes a two-legged swine, she takes a mighty sight ov pains about it.

Gravity iz the homage that a phool pays to wisdum, without knowing it.

A flatterer iz a common enemy.

If mankind were obliged tew giv their gifts sekretly, they would look upon it az a grate hardship.

He that won’t listen, kan’t learn; phools and bobalinks are poor listeners, and hav but one song.

Thare iz nothing we talk so fluently about az happiness, and nothing we kno so little about.

Revenge iz the prerogative ov the brutes.

Manner iz a grate deal more attraktive than matter– espeshily in a monkey.

Whenever yu find a man who iz strikly honest, yu will find one who iz truly courageous.

When eloquence and wisdum kontend for the superiority in a man, he haz got about az far abuv the rest ov us az he kan git.

The luv ov change iz az natral in man az it iz in natur.

Thare iz two kinds ov hipokrits, the bold, and the humble, and the humble ones are the wust.

The grate strength ov simplicity lays in the words, not in the ideas.

I don’t beleave thare iz ennything in this world that will add to a man’s wealth, convenience or luxury, but what he kan git, if he will only hunt enuff for it.

All wimmin are bi natur flirts, but those who are the most so, have the least sense.

To be thoroughly good-natured, and yet avoid being imposed upon, shows great strength ov character.

Enny person who will deliberately flatter yu, will deliberately defame yu.

It iz a mighty hard job tew respekt the man that we hav tew forgiv.

I beleave thare iz more people in this world, honest from policy, than thare iz from principle.

Very old people often are free from all appearances ov sin, bekauze they hav nothing left for either tew feed upon.

Thare are people who are alwus anticipating trubble, and in this way they manage tew enjoy menny sorrows that never really happen tew them.

Fear ov sin haz made a grate menny more Christians than the luv ov virtew haz.

I kno ov sevral kinds ov kuriosity, but thare iz one kind which prompts us tew stick our noze into things just for the purpose ov smelling.

The luv ov praize never made enny man wuss, and haz made menny a man better.

Thoze people who are sik and disgusted with themselfs are the ones who suffer from ennui.

In bible times, when Balem’s ass spoke, it waz a mirakle; but the daze ov mirakels are over, and the greatest asses we hav in theze times are the gratest talkers.

Thare iz quite a difference between a luminous and a voluminous writer, altho menny authors konfound the two.

Thoze who hav never sukceeded themselfs are alwus the most reddy tew tell others how tew do it.

I am satisfied that the 2 gratest bores in the world are the Hoosick tunnel and the author who iz hunting up a publisher for his fust book.

If yu wish tew retain the friendship, or even luv, ov others, yu must keep them in yure hands, and not git into theirs.

It iz kind ov phunny that while modesty iz the gratest evidence ov merit, it seems tew be the poorest gurantee ov suckcess.

Admire beauty, but don’t worship it.

Cunning men are sure tew git kaught at last, and when they are kaught they are like a fox in a trap, about the sylliest looking fox yu ever see.

Yu mite az well undertake tew drown a knot-hole out, bi pouring water into it, az tew outtalk sum wimmin I kno ov.

We laff at sheep bekauze when one ov them leads the way all the rest follow, however ridikilus it may be, and i suppose sheep laff, when they see us doing the vary same thing.

It will do tew endorse some men, but not their paper, while thare iz others whoze paper iz safer tew endosse than their karakter.

Fortune iz no holyday goddess she don’t simper amung arkadian scenes, she dwells in rugged places, and yu kant wear her favors without winning them.