ANNE FRASER was born in Scotland, but brought up in South Africa. After she left school she returned to the birthplace of her parents, the remote Western Islands of Scotland. She left there to train as a nurse, before going on to university to study English Literature. After the birth of her first child she and her doctor husband travelled the world, working in rural Africa, Australia and Northern Canada. Anne still works in the health sector. To relax, she enjoys spending time with her family, reading, walking and travelling.

CHAPTER ONE

ELLEN stopped her car at the top of the steep drive and surveyed the icy track to her grandmother’s house with dismay. Even if she could navigate the car down the slope she would never be able to reverse it back up without the danger of sliding into the deep ditches on either side.

She climbed out of the driver’s seat and into the bitter wind and lightly falling snow. She’d been driving solidly for over ten hours and every muscle ached from hunching over the steering wheel as she’d raced north in an attempt to beat the snow that was predicted to engulf Scotland. Huddling into her ski jacket and cursing the high heels of her leather boots, she decided to leave her large suitcases in the boot for later and to walk down the drive.

Taking a deep breath, she filled her lungs with the sharp, fresh air of the Highlands and felt some of her exhaustion and doubt slip away. She had been right to come. This is where she needed to be right now—the only place she had ever truly known as home.

The farmhouse roof peeked above the tops of evergreen pine and elder, smoke from the chimney curling into the grey afternoon sky. Ellen could already visualise Gran stoking up the fire, a batch of scones or bread rising in the oven, the kettle on the stove ever ready to make a warming cup of tea. A twist of anxiety knotted in Ellen’s ribs and for a second she faltered. Was she being selfish coming back? She hadn’t told Gran the true reason why she was coming to stay, only that she had been ill and needed time to get her strength back. If Gran knew the truth it would only upset her and she couldn’t bear to do that to the woman who meant the world to her.

Puffing out her cheeks, Ellen swallowed hard. Her emotions were still all over the place; for a moment—a split second—she would forget, then the reality of her situation would hit her again, threatening to crush her.

Needing a few moments to compose herself, Ellen thrust her hands in her parka pockets, her eyes straying over the countryside until she picked out the Jamieson house. Memories rushed back: sitting in their large farmhouse kitchen drinking in the atmosphere of laughter and love pretending, if only for a short while, that she was part of a large and caring family. But the Jamiesons had moved away. And so had Sean. Where was he now? Gran had said that he planned to renovate the house his parents had left behind. Why? Was he planning to put down roots? Had he met someone and was preparing a home for them to share? Maybe even start a family?

Something she would never have.

Grabbing her overnight bag, she set off down the track, picking her way carefully in her three-inch-heel boots. Twice she nearly went over on her ankle, and twice she just managed to stay on her feet. Breaking a leg was the last thing she needed right now. Ellen suppressed a wave of self-pity that threatened to crush her. There was no point giving in to it. She had to look to the future—however bleak it seemed right now.

She was halfway down the drive when she became aware of a rhythmic banging noise cutting through the air. Glancing in the direction of the sound, to the side and rear of her grandmother’s house, she saw a tall figure swinging an axe, making short work of splitting logs. For goodness’ sake, whoever it was had to be freezing. He was wearing only a T-shirt and jeans in the sub-zero temperatures as he swung the axe over his shoulder.

There was something primitive about the way he worked, his muscles bunching with each lift of the axe, that made her pause to watch him. He seemed lost in his own world, oblivious to the snow falling around him, settling on his dark head.

Suddenly, as Ellen moved off again, her legs went completely from beneath her. She had been so intent on the figure in front of her, she’d taken her eyes off the slippery track. She yelped as she struggled to remain upright and the man turned. For a second their eyes held and then she was hitting the ground with a thump that forced the breath from her lungs. Even as she lay there, staring up at the sky, wet snow sneaking down the collar of her jacket, Ellen couldn’t help thinking that there was something achingly familiar about those clear, pale eyes.

She heard footsteps crunching towards her and as she tipped her head back, squinting at the figure towering over her, the suspicion grew into certainty.

Sean!

Sean was here! Her already pumping heart beat faster. She had always wondered how she would feel when she saw him again, but in her imagination that meeting had been on neutral ground with her dressed to impress and coolly dismissive. Not in a crumpled heap at his feet after an exhausting and tense drive and looking like a wrung-out dishcloth.

Oh, damn it! And he looked even more devastatingly handsome than she remembered. Or was that because she was looking at him upside down?

Mortified, Ellen tried to get back up but in her panic her high-heeled boots couldn’t get purchase on the ice. Just great! She was scrabbling around on the ground like some sort of flapping fish that had just been landed.

A hand reached down and before she knew it she was back on her feet.

‘Are you okay?’

His voice still gave her goosebumps. After all this time?

Sean stood back, keeping a grip on her elbow, and whistled under his breath. ‘Ellen Nicholson? If Maggie hadn’t told me you were coming to stay, I would never have recognised you. You’ve changed.’ He studied her with amusement. ‘Or, then again, maybe not.’

His only-too-well-remembered grin made something in her chest squeeze. If she had changed, so had he. The last time she had seen him, and the memory made her cheeks burn, he had been tall and gangly. Somewhere along the way he had filled out. And in impressive style.

Flustered, Ellen wiped the snow off her jacket and the back of her trousers. Of course she’d changed. The last time he’d seen her she’d been a scrawny teenager with attitude and a terrible crush. Eight years later she was a grown woman with a death sentence hanging over her. Her past and present selves couldn’t be more different. She had a sudden intense longing to be that old Ellen who still believed that miracles happened and that the world and life were simply waiting to give her everything she desired.

She could have done without bumping into Sean Jamieson right now. Just the sight of him had been enough to bring the memories of how she’d felt about him tumbling back. Suddenly she was that seventeen-year-old again, the one who had worshipped the ground this man had walked on.

Ellen pushed snow-dampened hair off her cheeks, trying desperately to regain a modicum of self-assurance. ‘Oh, hello, Sean. Nice to see you again.’

Wow, had that come out as gauche as it had sounded to her own ears? ‘Not that I expected to see you here. I mean I thought you were away somewhere.’ Great. Now she was babbling.

‘Are you okay?’ he asked. ‘Did you hurt yourself?’

‘Not at all. I’m perfectly fine, thanks.’ And to prove it she took a step forward. Rather too quickly as it transpired. To her horror, she found herself once more flat on her back and staring up at the snow-darkened sky.

‘I think I’ll just stay down here till the snow melts,’ she mumbled, mortified.

Sean bent down on his haunches next to her and grinned. The way his smile still made her insides turn to mush dismayed her.

‘You could be out here for a while you know. Can I bring you anything?’

Despite her ridiculous situation and the crazy sensations ricocheting around inside her, she smiled. ‘A cup of tea would be nice and perhaps a hot-water bottle.’

‘Scone?’

‘Mmm. Jam and cream.’

And now she was laughing along with him.

This time she held out her hand for him to pull her to her feet. It was as if the years had melted away and they were back to the way they always used to be all those years ago.

Sean kissed her lightly on her cheek and something sizzled below her skin, making her flustered all over again.

‘Still getting into scrapes?’ he asked, still smiling. ‘Looks like some things haven’t changed. Would you like me to have a look at your ankle?’

No, she damn well wouldn’t. The last thing she wanted was for him to peel off her boots. She hadn’t shaved her legs for days. Heavens, what was she thinking? Unshaved legs were the least of her problems.

‘What are you doing here?’ she asked. ‘I thought you were working in Glasgow, or Australia?’ He should be in Glasgow. Or Australia. Yes, Australia was better. As far away from her grandmother’s home as was physically possible. Aware she sounded annoyed with him, she softened her tone. ‘Are you here on holiday? I mean, Gran mentioned you were going to renovate your old family home, but I suppose I thought you’d wait until the summer to get started.’

Even better. Not. Now she was letting him know that she had been thinking about him, talking about him.

His smile widened. ‘Which one of your questions would you like me to answer first?’

‘Take your pick!’ She smiled breezily. At least she hoped that was the way it appeared to him.

‘I am renovating the house but it’s had to be completely gutted and is uninhabitable at the moment.’ He brushed flakes of snow and mulched leaves from her jacket and it took every ounce of willpower not to jump away from his touch. ‘Maggie’s letting me use the old gatehouse in the meantime.’

The gatehouse? The one on the perimeter of her gran’s land? The one that was barely a stone’s throw from where they were standing? The knowledge dismayed Ellen. The biggest advantage of coming here to be with Gran was that she could hide herself away and not have anything to do with anyone. Damn, damn, damn. Why did Sean have to come back into her life? And now of all times?

‘So you’re renovating while you’re home on holiday, then?’ Ellen asked hopefully.

Sean looked puzzled.

‘No, I’m here permanently. Or as permanently as I stay anywhere. I plan to move into the old house as soon as it’s ready.’ He looked back at the pile of chopped wood in front of him. ‘Your grandmother needed some logs. I had some extras from my own delivery so I said I’d split some for her.’

Ellen shivered. It wasn’t just from the cold, although the ice on her trousers was beginning to melt, seeping through her clothes and freezing her skin. It was a shock, seeing him. Almost as much of a shock as falling on her backside.

‘Look,’ Sean said, ‘Maggie’s been like a cat on a hot tin roof all morning, waiting for you. If we don’t get you inside she’ll come looking for you. We can catch up once you’ve said hello and you’re out of these wet clothes.’

As usual he was right. In that respect he hadn’t changed. He was still the honorary older brother looking out for her. It was ridiculous to stay out in the cold and wet, particularly seeing as she’d recently been so ill. Not that he could or would know about that. Not ever.

He picked up her bag and, still holding on to her elbow, steered her towards the door.

A face appeared at the window and the next moment the door was swung open and her grandmother was standing there, gathering her up in her arms. Ellen inhaled the familiar sweetness of her gran’s perfume and wished she could stay closeted in her soft, warm and safe embrace for ever.

‘Ellen, child. You’re soaked!’ her grandmother said. ‘Come away in to the fire and get warmed up. You too, Sean. I’ll never know how you youngsters put up with being outside with hardly anything on. Don’t you know you can catch your deaths? And you, Ellen, you should be taking more care. Especially after being ill.’

Her words made Ellen wince, but she forced a smile to her lips. It was wonderful to see Gran again. Even if her fussing made her want to break down and spill out the horror of these past couple of weeks. But she forced her emotions back down. She’d promised herself that she wouldn’t burden Gran and she would keep that promise, however tempting the need to share her secret.

‘Ill?’ Sean frowned at her. ‘With what, Ellen?’

Slipping off her jacket and scarf, Ellen took her time shaking them out and hanging them up on the coat hooks by the door. The last thing she needed right now was their concerned looks. Or Sean ever finding out about her illness. She didn’t want people’s pity or their well-meaning concern—how would she be able to carry on as normal then? But she’d have to be very careful around Sean—she knew from past experience those penetrating blue eyes of his missed very little.

She shrugged. ‘Nothing really—a chest infection, that’s all. I’m fine now.’

‘I’ll leave you two to catch up, then,’ Sean replied. ‘I want to get these logs finished before it gets dark.’

‘Yes, thank you. Please don’t let us keep you back,’ Ellen said quickly. She wanted time to recover after seeing him. Time to transform herself back into the cool, calm and collected woman she wanted to be. At the very least, she still had her pride.

‘Come in for a cup of tea before you go back to the gatehouse,’ Maggie said, with a frown at Ellen.

Sean sniffed the air and grinned. ‘Is that scones I can smell? In that case, I’ll be back as soon as I’ve finished the last pile of logs. It shouldn’t take me long.’

As the door closed behind him, Maggie ushered Ellen into the kitchen and the well-worn chair in front of the stove. Sean had guessed correctly and there was a tray of scones cooling on the rack on the kitchen table. The large farmhouse kitchen with the solid-fuel range was the same one that had always been there. The scrubbed pine table was the same one Ellen had sat at to have her meals during the long summer holidays. The over-stuffed sofa that she had bounced on as a child was there too, though showing signs of age, and this woman was the same one who had bandaged her knees and wiped away her tears whenever she had hurt herself. If only what had happened to her this time could be so easily sorted. Ellen felt the never-far-away tears prick behind her lids. Being here, in this house, with the only woman, apart from Sean’s mother, who had ever shown her real affection was almost too much.

Ellen took a deep breath, suddenly thankful that Sean was just outside. Otherwise she had no doubt that in her tired and overwrought condition she would have given in and told her grandmother everything.

‘So remind me, Ellen,’ her grandmother was saying as she poured a cup of strong tea for her granddaughter, ‘where is your mother now?’

Ellen wrapped icy hands around her mug. ‘In the US. Lecturing. Before that she was in Australia for four months. I’m not sure when she’ll be back. You know how she is.’

Maggie tutted disapprovingly. ‘Leaving you on your own for Christmas! Again. I wish you had come to me. Maybe you wouldn’t have got sick. You young women just don’t look after yourselves properly.’

Nothing would have stopped her getting sick. It hadn’t been that kind of illness.

‘I didn’t mind,’ Ellen protested. ‘I was working over Christmas. It’s kind of wonderful being around to deliver babies at that time.’

It had been wonderful. There was something extra-special and magical about Christmas babies. Everyone looked forward to the first baby to be born on Christmas Day. Ellen smiled. Four babies had made their entrance on her shift. Four perfect babies, four delighted sets of parents. A stab of pain lanced through her. Last Christmas she had been sure that babies were part of her future. And then two short weeks ago that dream had come crashing down. When the consultant had given her the diagnosis, he’d told her that there was a serious risk should she fall pregnant.

‘I have to tell you, Ellen, that a pregnancy could kill you,’ he’d warned. ‘The extra demands on your heart and circulatory system will make the condition much worse. I have to recommend that you think about being sterilised. The Pill is contraindicated in women with your condition, so it’s the only sure way of preventing a pregnancy.’

The words on top of her diagnosis had crushed her. All her life she’d longed for a family. A real family where there was love and approval and laughter. Could she bear to work as a midwife again, knowing that she would never hold her own baby in her arms? She didn’t know. All she could think of at the moment was the need to be with her grandmother. Like a wounded animal, she’d come looking to find shelter and comfort while she found a way to deal with the terror that filled her life.

Ellen forced herself back to the present. ‘Mum will never change, Gran. We both know that.’

‘Aye, but I can’t help hoping that one day she’ll realise what a wonderful daughter she has in you and how much she’s missing out on.’ Maggie sighed and touched Ellen on the shoulder. ‘Maybe I’m hoping for a miracle.’

Ellen took Maggie’s hand and squeezed it. ‘It’s okay, Gran. I accepted Mum’s career would always come first a long time ago. But she’s still my mother and I love her, whatever her faults. And anyway, I’ve got you. You’ve always been around for me.’

The two women shared a smile.

Ellen changed the subject. ‘But tell me about you. How’s the hip?’ Her grandmother’s joints had been giving her trouble, but so far she had refused point blank to go to the doctor. She had told Ellen that a few aches and pains were only to be expected, given her age.

Maggie dismissed her question with a shake of her head. ‘With Sean here to do the heavy stuff, I manage fine.’

Ellen suppressed a smile. Good old Gran. Never one to complain. Being with her was exactly what she needed right now.

‘When did he come back? Why didn’t you tell me he was here? All you said was that he was renovating his family home. You might have told me he was living in the gatehouse, and planning to stay.’

Maggie buttered a scone and placed it in front of Ellen. ‘And if I’d told you, would you have come?’

The soft words stopped Ellen in mid-bite.

‘What do you mean?’ Ellen concentrated on her tea, avoiding her grandmother’s searching look.

‘Because over the last eight years, if I mentioned Sean was here on holiday, you’d suddenly change your mind about coming to stay. You may have thought you were subtle about it but, well, you weren’t. I know how you felt about him when you were younger, Ellen. You were never very good at hiding your feelings. At least not from me.’

Ellen’s cheeks were burning. Had her feelings really been so obvious?

‘I did have a crush on him but that was a long time ago,’ Ellen retorted. ‘I’m a different person now and so, I imagine, is he.’

‘Well, that’s a shame. I think you two would make a lovely couple. That man needs someone to settle him down.’

‘He must have a girlfriend, surely?’ Ellen tried to ignore the surge of pleasure she felt at the realisation that Sean wasn’t married.

‘Oh, he’s had women. Plenty of them as far as I can tell. But none that seem to last.’

Gran looked at Ellen, a small smile playing on her lips. ‘And your crush on Sean has nothing to do with the fact you’ve never had a serious relationship?’

‘I’ve never had a serious relationship, Gran, because I’ve not met the right person yet. Besides, my work keeps me busy. I have friends, my hobbies, a whole life that I love …’ She tailed off as it hit her again that she didn’t know for how much longer she would have any of it. Whether Sean was in a relationship or not was immaterial, she wasn’t exactly in the market for a long-term relationship. A lump was forming in her throat and she swallowed hard. ‘So how long has Sean been here?’

‘For someone who’s not very interested, you sure ask a lot of questions!’ Maggie said with a smile of satisfaction. ‘Sean came back a few months ago. Took a post at the Royal Highland in the city. Said he wants to make his home here so he can be close to his beloved mountains. He’s the doctor with the Mountain Rescue Team, you know.’ Maggie sounded as proud as she would have been had Sean been her grandchild too.

Ellen hadn’t known that Sean was working here. Although she had thought about Sean a lot since that summer eight years ago when he had kissed her, she’d never expected to see him again. In fact, as her Gran had guessed, she’d done her best to avoid him. It all seemed so silly now.

Just then the door opened with a gust of wind and Sean strode in to the kitchen. He indicated to Maggie to stay sitting and walked over to the range and helped himself to a cup of tea before grabbing a scone from the table and wolfing it down in two bites. He was clearly at home here.

‘I’ve stacked the logs under cover and brought in a couple of baskets. Just give me a shout when you need more, Maggie.’

He eased his tall frame into a chair by the stove and eyed Ellen thoughtfully. ‘I hear you’re working as a midwife in London,’ he said.

‘I was. I mean I am. I’m taking a bit of a break for a few months.’

Sean frowned at her. ‘A break? For a few months? Why?’

It was a perfectly reasonable question. Just one she didn’t want to answer.

‘Personal reasons,’ she said tightly. She didn’t owe this man any explanations.

Getting to her feet, she forced a smile. ‘If you don’t mind, Gran, I think I’ll go upstairs and unpack. I’ll bring in the rest of my bags later. I didn’t want to risk not being able to get the car back out of the drive.’

Sean was on his feet almost before she’d finished speaking. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll do that for you. Can’t have you lying around in the snow again.’

He cocked an eyebrow at her and the glint in his eye sent more shock waves through her body. Damn. Was her body going to behave like this every time she was near him?

‘Would you? I’d appreciate that. It’s been a long day.’ A wave of tiredness washed over her and she swayed slightly. Almost without seeing him move, she felt a steadying hand at her elbow. She looked up to find quizzical blue eyes staring intently into hers.

‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ Cool fingers were surreptitiously feeling the pulse at her wrist. He frowned and glanced at Maggie, but she had turned away to stack the dishes in the sink. ‘Pulse is fine.’ His hand moved to her forehead. ‘No temperature, but you are pale.’

‘Nothing a good night’s sleep won’t sort out,’ Ellen said brusquely.

Sean looked unconvinced but let his hands drop to his sides. ‘You’re probably right. I’ll look in on you later.’

It was the last thing she wanted. She had the uneasy feeling nothing much escaped him, and she was far away from letting anyone know her secret. Not when she could barely acknowledge the truth to herself.

She forced another smile, hoping that this one would be more successful. ‘Honestly. There is no need. Thank you anyway. Am I in my old room, Gran?’

‘Yes, darling. I aired the bed for you and put on a fire so you should be cosy enough.’

‘I’ll make us supper when I’ve had a rest,’ Ellen promised, and on legs that felt as if they were filled with liquid rather than bones, she left the room.

‘I’d better be going too, Maggie. I’ll reverse Ellen’s car down and bring in her bags first, though.’

‘What would I do without you, Sean?’

‘You’d manage fine. They don’t make them as tough as you any more. And now you have Ellen for company.’

Sean saw a flicker of worry in Maggie’s eyes. It wasn’t there for long, but it was enough. There was something going on here that wasn’t quite right.

‘Is Ellen okay? She looks … different … somehow,’ he asked.

‘It’s a long time since you saw her, Sean. What? Seven years?’

‘Eight.’

Not that he’d been counting. Ellen had been the pesky kid from next door who had hung around with him and his pals despite their best attempts to shake her. But, boy, she had changed. Eight years ago she had been all bones, an impish smile and red mop of wayward hair. She’d also had a disconcerting habit of getting into difficulty. If he remembered right, that last summer he’d had to fish her out of a pub when she’d got involved with some less than salubrious locals. And—the memories came thick and fast—ten years before that he’d had to jump into a stream to pull her out when she’d decided to try and mimic him and his friends as they’d used a rope to swing from one side to another. He’d had no idea she’d been following them. An hour earlier she’d been furious when he’d ordered her home and unbeknownst to him had followed at a distance. The memory made him smile. She’d been impossible, but he’d always secretly admired her courage and gumption.

But she had changed. Somewhere along the way she had become almost unrecognisable. Her prettiness had turned into an almost ethereal beauty. She was so pale her skin was almost translucent, and she was so slight, it seemed as if a strong blizzard would blow her away. It wasn’t just that, though. There was no light in her eyes, no spark of mischief, no smile, no look as if she were about to dissolve in a fit of giggles. And apart from that, she’d seemed almost cool towards him. He was only too aware of the crush she’d had on him; their last meeting eight years ago had left him in no doubt of that. Of course he wouldn’t expect her still to have feelings, but this nothingness? It wasn’t what he’d expected either.

‘Sean?’ He suddenly became aware that Maggie was watching him curiously. He gave himself a mental shake. The mystery of Ellen, if there was one, would have to wait. He was due back at the hospital for a ward round, he still had Ellen’s car to shift, and, after his earlier exertions, was in need of a shower. Ellen wasn’t going anywhere for the next couple of weeks at least, so he would have plenty of time to satisfy his curiosity.

Ellen stood a little back from the window, watching as Sean expertly reversed her small car down the driveway. She wondered if he remembered the last time they had seen each other. She hoped to hell not. Her cheeks still burned every time she recalled what an idiot she’d made of herself. She had practically thrown herself at him, virtually begging him to kiss her. And he had, but then, as she’d leaned into him, wanting more, he’d gently disentangled her arms from around his neck. She remembered every second of that kiss. Before it, she’d been waiting so many years for him to notice that she’d grown up. She had dreamt so many girlish dreams of what it would be like to have Sean Jamieson kiss her. It had been her last chance. He had been going to Glasgow to complete his training and she had been going to London to start hers. What an idiot he must have thought her. How cringe-makingly embarrassing, her gauche and increasingly desperate attempts to get him to notice her. Then she’d made up that stupid story and he had kissed her, and that had made her fall in love with him even more, if that was possible. When he’d removed himself from her arms, she had wanted to die from mortification. Not that he had laughed, although she was certain she’d seen laughter lurking in his eyes, or even suggested by word or gesture that he’d known how she’d felt about him, but he had been too much of a man of the world not to have noticed.

But that was a long time ago. What did it matter that once, eight years ago, she had made a fool of herself? These days it was hard to care about anything. Over these past weeks, all she’d felt was numb. Numb and frightened. So frightened some nights she could hardly sleep. Maybe instead of coming here to Gran, she should have gone to her mother? Maybe under these desperate circumstances Mum would have been able to comfort her, be the mother to her she’d never been when she was a child. Mother loved her. She just wasn’t able to invest any of her considerable energy into parenting her. She had always known that and until now it hadn’t mattered. She’d always had Gran. Gran had more than filled any gaps left by her mother. But Gran couldn’t fix this. No one could.

Ellen’s head was spinning. She had to stop thinking that anyone could help her. She had to pull herself together. Work out how she was going to live the rest of her life.

She looked out of the window. Sean had driven her car down the drive and was removing her suitcases from the boot. He disappeared from view and she could hear his deep voice coming from downstairs. She sighed. There was something so vital and solid about him that still drew her. As a child she’d always felt Sean was invincible and anyone in his sphere was automatically included in that invincibility. But she was no longer a child. And her problems were certainly of no interest to him.

Bepul matn qismi tugadi. Ko'proq o'qishini xohlaysizmi?

Mistletoe, Midwife...Miracle Baby

Kim ushbu kitobni izlagan bo`lsa,o`qimoqda

Table of Contents

About the Author

CHAPTER ONE