Two performances stood out as England completed a comprehensive Ashes victory just before high noon on Friday, 7 January 2011 at the Sydney Cricket Ground.

Throughout the series the Barmy Army chorused every moment of play. They should have been given free entry because they were so entertaining, rapturously encouraging the dreaded Poms, and alternately mocking the Aussies. Mitchell Johnson was a favourite target.

Johnson found his mojo in Perth with some surprising swing bowling, but like his accomplices, Hilfenhaus and whoever passed as a spinner, the bowling was mediocre, chasing the game that Australia’s batsmen had lost.

While England celebrated with a traditional victory lap and acknowledgement of their supporters, the BBC correspondent Jonathan Agnew conducted the post-match interviews as he had done so thoroughly in 2005 and 2009 when England regained the Ashes at The Oval. Formalities completed Aggers broke off into a weird gyration, twisting like a Hills Hoist clothes line (for our English readers, a Hills Hoist is a height-adjustable rotary clothes line invented just after the War in Adelaide), or a giraffe on speed, he thus began a nervous performance of the Sprinkler Dance. Having watched England cop Down-Under hidings for twenty years and endured Australian co-commentator Kerry O’Keeffe’s jibes about the Poms going for silver and not for gold, Aggers cut loose.

Like the Barmy Army he had earned the right to celebrate, because Andrew Strauss’s team played better cricket than any England team in Australia for at least 56 if not 78 years.

Alastair Cook’s expedition was the most significant tour deforce by a Cook since Captain James’s visit in 1770, and his polishing skills made the Kookaburra laugh at Australia’s batsmen, helping Jimmy Anderson to swing through the top order.

Andrew Strauss’s composure and maturity formed a strong partnership alongside Andy Flower, whose hard-nosed managerial skills rivalled Sir Alex Ferguson’s at Old Trafford. When will Andrew and Andy get their gongs?

Cook’s remorselessly efficient batting was complemented by Jonathan Trott’s hungry accumulation. Aussies expected them to be nicking catches to slip or getting whacked on the pads in front. Instead, they settled in for a banquet.

In the TMS box ‘Sir’ Geoffrey Boycott was in full flight at Australia’s batting ineptitude, with just a hint of schadenfreude when wickets were tumbling. There was a moment when England were on top and, as you can on radio, I digressed to Australia’s rugby league connection with Yorkshire. I’m ready to continue that reminiscence in 2013 if Geoffrey appears to be gloating again!

Michael Vaughan showed his versatility by tweeting as frequently as Shane Warne, extolling England’s virtues; Vic Marks sagely scrutinised the contest and wondered where James Hildreth might fit in; while scorer Andrew Samson answered every ridiculous question from the ABC commentator as calmly and accurately as a quiz mastermind.

Shuttling between the TMS and the ABC commentary boxes, Aggers had been preparing, anticipating England’s historic moment. Happily for him that moment coincided with Christmas in Melbourne in the company of wife Emma and stepson Tom. I look forward to seeing them again in England when our friendship is rekindled and the Ashes are regained.

Preface

For an England cricket correspondent, an Ashes tour of Australia should be as good as it gets – the pinnacle of one’s career. It is a wonderful country with plenty to keep you occupied and, despite the traditional semi-serious Pom-bashing by the media, a genuinely warm welcome is guaranteed. Comfortable hotels and easy travel make it difficult to argue against this being the best job in the world. But, and it is a big but, for the past twenty years the cricket has been anything but competitive, inevitably robbing each of my last five tours of the continent of its key ingredient. I have witnessed England winning only 3 of the 25 Tests they played in Australia during that time, and losing, sometimes quite badly, 18 of them.

It has not always been easy reporting on those disastrous campaigns. My emotions would typically range from initial disbelief – how can England be this bad again? – through anger at the team’s continuing ineptitude to ultimate despair. It has been impossible for me to be entirely impartial as I am sure many TMS listeners will understand. Commentating on the local Australian Broadcasting Corporation [ABC] – something I have always loved doing, incidentally – had become embarrassing, as time and time again I would invariably have to sign off with an apology to the Australian listeners for the gulf between the two teams, a gulf that created such one-sided Test matches.

But buoyed by England winning the Ashes in 2009, and having watched Australia struggle against Pakistan the following summer, the Ashes tour of 2010/11 from the outset felt altogether different. Without players of Australia’s golden age of the 1990s like Shane Warne, Glenn McGrath and Adam Gilchrist, I was not alone in feeling genuinely optimistic about England’s prospects this time around. So much so, that when pressed for a prediction before the players left home, I put my neck on the block and forecast that England would return 3-1 winners. And so it proved.

Jonathan Agnew, February 2011

Chapter One

The Phoney War

“Cook is hanging on to his place by the skin of his teeth.”

RICKY PONTING

DAY 1: 3 November 2010

It is one of those ‘where am I?’ moments when I am awoken by bright Australian sun beaming through the curtains of a yet another unfamiliar bedroom. The digital display on the television tells me that it is six o’clock in the morning. How is it possible, having gone to bed at two o’clock after a sixteen-hour sleepless flight, that I have managed to kip for only four hours, and yet feel as fresh as a daisy? It won’t last of course.

It was dark when I arrived last night at Perth Airport, Western Australia and by the time I had found a taxi and reached the hotel, my brain was thoroughly befuddled. I know I started to unpack after checking in and had made sure my phone worked by speaking to Emma to report my safe arrival. I also checked that there was a decent Internet connection in the room, so vital for work (and listening to music) while on tour these days. The Internet has transformed the way in which we send interviews and reports back to London. Not so long ago a set of screwdrivers to dismantle telephone connectors was an absolutely essential piece of kit to be lugged around. Now it all transmits magically from the laptop straight to BBC Television Centre, while an iPhone and a Napster account means I no longer need to pack a selection of carefully chosen compact discs. The hotel’s price for the Internet connection strikes me as expensive though – £18 per day. In fact, by the end of the tour I will have clocked up over £2,000 in Internet charges!

Apart from being the first day of the hugely anticipated Ashes tour, it is also the first day of my new and sure-to-be rigorous training regime. I am determined to lose a stone by the time Emma arrives in Australia, and to try to live a more healthy on-tour lifestyle. That is not as easy as it sounds: the job means that as commentators and pundits most of the day we are sat down in front of the microphone, while long evenings away from home inevitably draw you to the bar to meet with colleagues who are equally lonely and at an end-of-play loose end. A few too many drinks are followed, usually far too late into the evening, by something to eat. Given that journalists by their very nature are an outspoken, opinionated bunch, these evenings can often be very argumentative. They also become a dangerously routine part of being on tour. So a sensible alcohol intake and daily exercise will be the way forward this time although, physically, I am going to pace myself. No doubt Emma will say I am going to be far too easy on myself, and because I take absolutely no pleasure in jogging whatsoever, she is probably right. But nonetheless I am determined to get fit.

Langley Park, Perth lies directly between my hotel and the Swan River and is ideal for my purpose. A stroll at a brisk pace around its rectangular form takes about 25 minutes. Apart from the swarms of infuriatingly persistent flies and a temperature already well on its way to the predicted 37 degrees Celsius, it is all very pleasant. Swatting the flies is surprisingly tiring. I walk one lap and then jog the long sides of the park to complete the second. Forty minutes in the beautifully clear and fresh air. That’ll do for a start.

On my return to the hotel I encounter a typically cheerful Graeme Swann in the lobby, while Irish-born Eoin Morgan, shy and quiet in public at least, gives me a nod as he emerges from the lift. Kevin Pietersen shouts “Hello Bud!” from the breakfast room. His form and general demeanour will be greatly scrutinised by the media over the coming fortnight.

The England team have already had a couple of days in the nets at the WACA. Today they have opted for a centre-wicket practice at Richardson Park, which is a ten-minute taxi ride from the hotel. My Bangladeshi driver is amazed when we arrive at the ground that absolutely nobody is watching. “If the England cricket team practised in the middle of Dhaka,” he exclaims, “thousands of people would be there.”

Frankly, it would have helped a great deal if the dozen or so gathered journalists had been briefed in advance about how this practice session was going to be organised. Pairs of batsmen come and go -apparently after six overs have been bowled at them, and there are some strange fields set, including one that features a large blue bucket standing at short-leg. Chris Tremlett bowls a succession of attempted bouncers to Ian Bell. In the blistering heat these are not in the least bit threatening and end up being flogged through mid-wicket. Bruce French, England’s wicketkeeping coach and an old county cricket colleague of mine, belatedly explains that each ‘spell’ is in fact a game plan: early innings, mid-innings and this particular phase is designed to rough up the batsmen. I fear Tremlett’s confidence, which is already known to be suspect, will have taken rather a battering today.

James Anderson, who broke his rib while boxing during England’s unusual and clearly controversial pre-tour boot camp in Germany, manages a couple of overs. Pietersen is caught at slip for 2 off Stephen Finn, who is comfortably the pick of the quick bowlers, only for Bell and Andrew Strauss to stress in their interviews afterwards how well KP is striking the ball in the nets. He would do everyone a favour by scoring a hundred against Western Australia this weekend, putting a stop to the constant talk about his form.

This evening I enjoy one of those rare, wonderful, insightful on tour social occasions when I spend it with the England coach Andy Flower. Sadly, much of what we discuss over a number of drinks has to remain ‘off the record’, but I feel very privileged that such an ice cool and deliberate individual, who is always meticulously careful when speaking in public, feels that he can chat with me about a number of issues concerning the England team and English cricket in general.

Keen to give his side of the Anderson injury saga [Anderson suffered a broken rib while boxing during England’s bonding trip to Germany], Flower is certain that the boot camp was a great success. He argues that it challenged every member of the squad, and the management set-up too. He seems genuinely surprised by my optimism about the forthcoming tour, but his reserved pragmatism about what might follow may be simply an example of his naturally guarded character. I am sure he will not mind me repeating his answer to my question about the ‘Gabba factor’: how is he preparing the team to overcome England’s dreadful record there [England have not won a Test Match at the Gabba since November 1986] and on the first day in particular? Do they talk about it or completely ignore it? He tells me that they discuss it every day, quite deliberately, so England’s recent record at the ground is not thought of as anything sinister or, more importantly, insurmountable.

First evening of the tour, and I have already broken my vow not to drink too much. Worth it though.

DAY 2: 4 November 2010

This morning I wander down to the WACA to install the broadcasting equipment for tomorrow’s game. These technical duties are rather easier these days – just a case of plugging in a box and the line immediately goes through to London. On my return to the hotel I discover there is great excitement about comments made in Sydney about Michael Clarke’s suitability to succeed Ricky Ponting as captain of Australia. This follows Sri Lanka’s remarkable one-day international win against Australia in Melbourne yesterday, in which the Sri Lanka ninth-wicket pair added a record 132 and in so doing prolonged Australia’s losing run. Inevitably the bulk of the criticism has focussed on Clarke’s contribution as captain, and there are suggestions of a rift in the camp. Marcus North, who faces England tomorrow for Western Australia in the opening tour match, is being openly talked about as a more suitable candidate than Clarke. It is remarkable really, and must be destabilising the Australian team. Ponting’s leadership is effectively being spoken about in the past tense.

I have dinner with Peter Baxter – former producer of Test Match Special and a close friend. Sensibly, following an unhappy experience last winter in South Africa, the BBC has decided that site visits to overseas cricket grounds prior to the team’s arrival are now an essential part of the broadcaster’s preparation. (As an example, we commentated throughout the Durban Test from a concrete step, sitting on pillows taken from our hotel rooms and entirely open to the elements). Now married to an Australian lass, Peter spends half his time in Brisbane these days, and was the ideal person to fly around Australia making sure that the BBC’s sizeable investment in the form of broadcast rights fees includes basics like commentary boxes.

DAY 3: 5 November 2010

England’s first day of cricket on the tour coincides with another Australian ODI defeat by Sri Lanka at the SCG giving Sri Lanka their first series win on Australian soil. Problems are certainly mounting in the Aussie camp, although realistically these are more about team morale than anything else. Their build-up to the Ashes is not nearly as organised as England’s, and Ricky Ponting has been despatched to Hobart to make his first appearance for Tasmania in the Sheffield Shield for three years, rather than play for Australia in the last ODI against Sri Lanka. I am looking forward to reading the newspapers tomorrow.

Meanwhile England have had a reasonable opening day against Western Australia, spoiled only by the dismissal of Alastair Cook for 5 just before the end of play. It is very refreshing to watch three-day cricket for a change rather than the four-day variety used in England’s county game, because it requires much more innovation and imagination by the captains. Western Australia declare on 242 for 8 to leave the England’s openers six awkward overs to face, a declaration no captain would ever make in the four-day game. Cook, who is in desperate need of runs after a poor summer, manages to deflect the ball on to his wicket attempting a pull shot. Bearing in mind that Cook only saved his selectorial skin with a hundred during the Oval Test against Pakistan, it won’t take many more failures for his place in the team to come under the spotlight again. The trouble is that there aren’t many other options – Jonathan Trott or Ian Bell would have to be promoted up the order.

Happily, James Anderson is passed fit to play, putting a stop to the endless talk of his boxing injury. To begin with he looked rather ring rusty and tentative, but improves as the day goes on. Stephen Finn is thoroughly out of sorts and can never have bowled so many full tosses. Finn’s falling flat requires some explaining to my colleagues in the ABC box who have been looking forward to seeing the new English fast bowling find in action. They can’t help but be disappointed by what they have seen so far. Stuart Broad is comfortably the pick of the bowlers, taking two wickets in his first over. He also dismisses Marcus North – the only Test batsman in a weak batting line up – and is successful by pitching the ball up. I am still concerned that England will want him to be more aggressive and bowl too short in the absence of any genuine pace in the attack, but he is not that type of bowler. Hopefully, having taken three wickets early on, England will resist the temptation and encourage him – and Finn – to follow Glenn McGrath’s methodical and metronomic example.

With the day done, a lively session in the hotel bar includes a discussion with a young lad from the bush who is getting married the next day and me issuing an invitation through Twitter to the people of Perth to accompany me on my early morning run. I don’t suppose anyone will turn up. Tomorrow will be a KP story, whatever happens.

DAY 4: 6 November 2010

At 7.30 a.m I anxiously approach the park behind the hotel to find a very athletic chap, neatly turned out in full training kit waiting for me. He introduces himself as Brett, my running partner for the morning. I feel I have to explain to him that I am gently feeling my way back into training and cannot be described, by any measure, as being at the absolute peak of fitness. Off we go at quite a rate over the Causeway and on to Heirisson Island. Thankfully I am able to make the most of photographing some amiable kangaroos who happen to be hopping by and, catching enough breath, stagger back to the hotel. Lesson learned – but I should mention that Brett’s father Brian was a leading administrator employed by Kerry Packer to run World Series Cricket. Consequently it was a very interesting chat indeed, even if I ache for the rest of the day.

At least it is a KP day for all the right reasons. He scores a half-century in what was overall a poor batting performance by England despite a true if rather sluggish pitch. England are 159/8 before Broad and Swann fling the bat and put on 64 with Pietersen’s 58 from 90 balls the highlight. He is dropped at slip on 25 and has several rushes of blood, but KP also plays some fine strokes until a loose drive ends his innings. Pietersen can be an awkward customer to interview sometimes, offering up very short answers to keep you on your toes; today he certainly plays down the significance of scoring runs early on the tour even though I press him. I’ll bet privately he is very relieved indeed.

Of the others, Trott looks comfortable for his 24, Collingwood scores 4, Bell 21 and Prior a duck – all responsible for their own dismissals, which, given the importance of these three practice matches, is very disappointing. Broad’s confidence is sky high at present, and he launches himself at the Western Australian bowling to hit 53 from 48 balls, while Swann’s 37 comes off only 25 deliveries. With England 19 runs behind, Strauss declares in order to move the game along and increase the chance of his batsmen having a second innings, some of whom need to redeem themselves. Having seen Broad and Swann tuck into their bowling, Western Australia start their second innings at a tremendous rate, getting stuck into Finn again, although he eventually traps Liam Davis lbw. At the close, Western Australia lead by 128 with 9 wickets in hand – thus setting up the prospect of a run chase on the final afternoon.

Later I see Andy Flower and batting coach Graham Gooch locked in conversation in the bar for an hour. They certainly have a lot to talk about. The West Australian newspaper causes a bit of a stir by printing all over its back page a photograph of Ricky Ponting, diving full length to his left where – just out of reach of his outstretched fingers – is a superimposed Ashes urn. The headline reads: ‘Out of Reach’. A poll of the newspaper’s readers reveals that the majority believe England will win the Ashes this time.

Coincidentally, this is the second day of a strike by BBC journalists who belong to the National Union of Journalists in a dispute over pensions. General programming is affected, but neither being a member of the BBC staff nor part of its pension scheme, or a member of the NUJ come to that, I continue to report from the WACA, contributing to the much-reduced sports desks throughout the night. As I see it, my duty is to work for those who are paying for me to be here – the license payers. Unfortunately I, and others in a similar position, have now become the focus of a rather nasty campaign in the course of which I have been publicly labelled, on the Internet, as a scab. Not only is this inaccurate, but it is offensive. For those wishing to criticise my stance it demonstrates a careless lack of research on their part because, although I have not said so publicly, the Agnew household budget will be affected as much as anyone else’s at the BBC. Emma’s pension will be cut under the current plan. More strikes are scheduled for next week and while those who are planning to walk out again are perfectly entitled to do so, I hope they leave me alone this time. Twitter, when used properly, is a wonderful modern communications tool, but it also gives people an opportunity to be most unpleasant when they choose to be.

DAY 5: 7 November 2010

England win their opening match pretty comfortably in the end. In the morning the bowlers demonstrate an improved performance and this is followed by a spirited run chase, which is led by Strauss. Finn’s first two balls of the day are hit for 4 – a bit of a worry – but he fights back splendidly, confirming that he is a young man of great heart and discipline. Marcus North fails a second time when Eoin Morgan, popping up as substitute fielder, runs him out from square leg. Swann, although he takes a little more tap than he will have liked, is soon wearing his familiar chirpy smile, finishing with figures of 4 for 101. Western Australia lose 9 wickets for 114, setting England 243 to win in 52 overs.

Cook strikes two firm fours, but is then comprehensively bowled for 9. Inevitably this gets everyone talking because England have brought only two full-time opening batsmen and the loss of form of Strauss or Cook will necessitate Trott moving up to open the batting, Bell to number three and reintroduce Morgan at number six. That is quite an upheaval which is why, when others might be given a rest, Cook will be given every opportunity to get runs between now and Brisbane.

Pietersen again plays some firm and fine shots in his innings of 35 before perishing lbw by way of a reverse sweep to the left-arm spinner Beer. It takes an eternity for KP to drag himself away from the crease. As my commentary position is behind him, and with no TV replays, I cannot tell whether it is a poor decision or not. But it underlines again the importance of England’s batsmen not giving their wickets away on this tour. Racking up a large first innings total will be vital and while I accept that this was a run chase, the unvarnished truth is that Pietersen has managed to get himself out twice in this match.

Strauss’s century was a lovely knock. It is always important for the captain to start a tour well so that his form is not an issue before the main event. During the course of his innings Strauss has once again demonstrated the advances he has made as a one-day batsman.

Meanwhile, someone called Ella has contacted me on Twitter. I say ‘someone’ because there is absolutely no way of knowing on these social networking sites if anyone really is who they claim to be. Ella’s avatar – her profile picture – does not contain a photo, only a cartoon character, but whoever he or she is, is following the cricket all night -presumably from England.

In a Twitter exchange, I agree with Ella if she is still up and listening at 3:00 a.m GMT, I will follow him/her. In the Twitter world this is seen as a sign of friendship, just as ‘unfollowing’ somebody is viewed as a major insult. I am very choosy about the number of people I follow because, quite simply, the more you follow, the more messages you have to scroll through on your phone. Sure enough a message – or Tweet – duly pops up at 3:00 a.m. I click the button, which signs me up as one of Ella’s 150 or so followers. Now every one of her (I am still not sure she is indeed a she) tweets now lands on my laptop. I am amazed that this unknown individual is providing a brilliant score update service, with full bowling figures, the lot, all crammed into the strict Twitter allocation of only 140 characters. Even more than that, there are a number of highly comical asides couched in, at times, decidedly colourful language. The whole magnificent effort seems entirely wasted on so few people. So, during the course of the day, I encourage my loyal followers, who by now are waking up and expecting a full scores service on England’s bid for victory, to follow @EllaW638 instead. It is brilliant. By the end of the match Ella has more than two thousand people following her updates, which are apparently being typed out on an iPhone – not even anything as comfortable as a computer keyboard. It is a fantastic performance, which is hugely appreciated by everyone – not least me because I can now concentrate on my radio work and leave Twitter to her.

Some hours later Ella puts up a picture: she is indeed a young woman of about 20 years of age, although my guess at her age is made difficult by the blue Chelsea FC woolly hat she is wearing. Apparently she is a children’s nanny. Isn’t it great that someone of her age should be so fanatically and enthusiastically interested in cricket? A breath of fresh air, and it absolutely makes my day. (Incidentally, she keeps going throughout the whole series, providing an invaluable and colourful service to ultimately more than four thousand followers).

DAY 6: 8 November 2010

It is our first travelling day and I am reminded of just how vast this country is. I snatch breakfast at Perth airport at 6:20 a.m at a table beside two men already drinking pints of lager before our three-hour flight to the City of Churches.

Adelaide is one of my favourite locations on the international cricket circuit and I especially love the city’s cricket ground – the Oval. Set in a large park on the bank of the River Torrens, it is a truly beautiful ground overlooked by St Peter’s Cathedral. The entire western side of the ground has been redeveloped since I was last here, at enormous cost and at the risk, in my eyes, of damaging the heritage of this great cricket venue. Cricket grounds must modernise of course, but there is always the danger that the identity and character of an historically-laden ground will be compromised, and it would be a terrible shame if this proves to be the case at the Adelaide Oval, which, after Lord’s, is my second favourite venue in the world. We fly in to Adelaide directly over the ground and from my left-hand window seat I have a first glimpse of the white shell-shaped roof of the new stand shining brightly in the morning sunshine. Actually, it looks lovely. This afternoon I take a stroll along the riverbank to the ground. Pelicans and black swans paddle about while overhead red and green parrots flash past against a now brilliant blue sky. It is all absolutely stunning – and later, from ground level, I get a chance to examine the new stand: it gets a big thumbs up from me.

Late in the day comes the first news of the mysterious disappearing act by the Pakistan wicketkeeper Zulqarnain Haider. Rather than travelling with his team for their fifth one-day international against South Africa in Dubai, Haider has apparently abandoned the tour and boarded a flight to London. He had played a key role in Pakistan’s narrow one-wicket win in the previous match, including hitting the winning run, and his brother is reported as saying that Haider claims to have received serious personal threats.

Clearly Pakistan cricket is in a dreadful mess at the moment: the ICC cases, following the allegations of spot fixing in England last summer, against Salman Butt, Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Amir is still being examined. Frankly, it is difficult to know what to believe at the moment. I do remember Haider being quite a character during his single appearance in the Test series against England. He top scored at Edgbaston, hitting a rather spiky 88, during which Stuart Broad over-reacted by throwing the ball at, and managing to hit, him. Haider returned home after the game, a little mysteriously as I recall, when he was suddenly diagnosed with a fractured finger. This enabled Kamran Akmal to return as wicketkeeper. This will be another strand of the Pakistan story we need to keep our eyes on, but it won’t be easy from twelve thousand miles away.

Bepul matn qismi tugadi. Ko'proq o'qishini xohlaysizmi?