You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas

Copyright

Thorsons

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First published in 2007 by Collins

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Text © Karen Sullivan 2007

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Source ISBN: 9780007254378

Ebook Edition © FEBRUARY 2017 ISBN: 9780007556632

Version: 2017–03-16

Dedication

For Cole and Luke, my teenagers

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Introduction

Abortion

Alcohol

Armed forces

Babysitting

Bedrooms

Bedtime

Bicycles

Birth control

Books

Bras

Bullying

Calculators

Cars

Clothes

Communication

Community service

Computers

Cooking

Crime

Curfews

Debt

Drugs

Ears

Employment

Entertainment

Exams

Exercise

Eyes

Family

Fizzy drinks

Food and drink

Friends

Gambling

Gap year

Growth

Hair

Health

Homework

Household chores

Independence

Languages

Leaving home

Leisure

Lost property

Magazines

Make-up

Marriage

Masturbation

Menstruation

Mental health

Mobile phones

Money

Morals

Music

Motorcycles

Mouth guards

Name change

Organisation

Orthodontics

Parties

Passports

Peers

Personal hygiene

Pocket money

Pornography

Privacy

Puberty

Relationships

Religion

School

Self-harm

Sex

Sexuality

Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)

Shoes

Skin

Smoking

Sunbeds

Surgery

Swearing

Swimming

Tattoos

Teeth

Testicles

Travel

TV

Weight

About the Publisher

Introduction

There is no one more persuasive than a teenager with an agenda, and certainly no one more capable of making a parent feel inadequate or behind the times. Conscientious parents regularly fall victim to the supreme negotiating skills of their offspring, and have to adjust their own beliefs, values and moral codes in order either to keep the peace or fall in line with current trends. After all, times change, don’t they? Perhaps the way we were brought up is outmoded, and children can and should be allowed different sorts of freedoms and liberties, different levels of independence and trust, and a different role within the family.

There can be no parent in the land who has not heard regular wails of:

I am the only one not allowed...’ (to stay out late, walk to school on my own, take the bus into town, have my own bank account – add your own to this).

The only one who doesn’t have...’ (new trainers, a TV in my bedroom, a mobile phone with a camera, my own room, parties, pierced ears, a tattoo...).

The only one who has to...’ (clean my room, work for my pocket money, visit my grandparents, have my homework checked, do my own laundry, be accompanied to the doctor...).

The lists are seemingly endless, and from the word go, parents are put in the awkward position of trying to work out if their demands, expectations and rules are fair and realistic, or if they are, in fact, creating social lepers by denying their children the norms of today’s society.

There is no central database of currently acceptable thinking and practice when it comes to parenting. Indeed, most parenting manuals stop well short of the years when parents actually need the most advice. These days many parents are isolated and have less contact with others parents, the result of increased independence, and the fact that many parents work during the day. Couple this with frustration engendered by the impossible task of trying to glean information or make conversation with an adolescent – and it becomes obvious why we’re often working in the dark when it comes to parenting.

It’s no good relying on age-old wisdom handed down from our parents, either. Most of us will remember the irritation of being told that rules were rules, that things were ‘always done that way’, because: ‘that’s how I was brought up, so that’s how you will be too’. Many of us have chosen to forge our own path on the parenting front, and to make decisions based on our individual children and their capabilities, needs and demands, rather than create rules for the sake of them. But this too can be a minefield – one ill-chosen step off that path and a child could be in serious trouble, well out of his or her depth.

So how do we make these decisions? As parents we have a responsibility and, indeed, an innate desire to raise happy, healthy, responsible children, and to invest in them the skills, morals, values and common sense that will take them into adulthood. On one shoulder we carry the weight of this responsibility, and on the other, an overwhelming catalogue of adolescent propaganda.

Consider, too, the fact that our children change dramatically – emotionally and physically – as they grow. It takes a savvy parent to understand and stay on top of their changing needs, and the developmental milestones reached at various stages. We want to support these changes, and encourage healthy growth and development without appearing to be intrusive or controlling. Most tweenies and adolescents become less open about their emotions, their bodies and even their social lives, hopes and concerns as they grow older. It’s difficult for parents to know what to expect and when, and at what stage a little input, guidance or even discouragement is required. For example, when do girls normally begin to menstruate and at what age are tampons appropriate? Does a 12-year-old boy need to wear deodorant? And is a nighttime shower or bath strictly necessary? When do teens reach their adult height, and do big feet mean that a child will be tall? At what age can kids drink tea and coffee? Do teenagers need vitamin supplements? When does a boy’s voice begin to change? Is a withdrawn adolescent taking drugs or suffering from depression, or is her behaviour normal? Is teen faddy eating a sign of an eating disorder or to be expected? Should we worry if a child wants a lock on his or her bedroom door?

And what about independence and moral issues? Is it normal for a teenage boy to have pornographic magazines under his bed? Should a girl be allowed to change her name or her religion? Should we turn a blind eye when they experiment with alcohol or drugs? Should we allow them to ride a bike home in the dark or make their own way home from a party? When should we stop expecting to be told exactly what they are doing, when and with whom? What is an appropriate curfew? How much pocket money is fair, and should we expect our children to earn it? Are household chores a child’s responsibility, and what do we do about a perpetually messy bedroom? Should we oversee their homework, allow them to use calculators, or crib from the computer? Should they have their own computers or TVs, enter chatrooms, own mobile telephones and set their own bedtimes? If children really want to leave school, can we stop them?

The list of potential battlegrounds is staggering, and the issues surrounding almost every area of our children’s lives are confusing. We are, as a whole, a more liberal and tolerant society, and today’s children are treated very differently from the way we or our parents were treated as children. That’s not to say that we are necessarily more permissive; indeed, studies show that due to fears about abduction, accidents, paedophiles and other potential dangers, we are much less likely to allow our children to do things on their own, and less likely to encourage independence. We drive them to school and to their activities, and we are reluctant to allow children the freedom to play outside or to travel alone.

But contrast this with the obvious ‘adultification’ of childhood, and the irony of the situation must be evident to all parents. How can we keep reins on children who are worldly wise beyond their years and have expectations that far exceed their age? How can we curb a growing need for independence when we are fearful for their safety? How can we uphold our own beliefs and moral values when our children are bludgeoned with alternatives via the media and their peer group? How can we encourage our children to be children for as long as possible in a society that promotes the opposite?

Growing up too soon

One of the side effects of our modern have-it-now, 24/7 society is that children have been drawn in on the act. No longer content to wait until the appropriate age for certain activities, clothing, possessions and levels of freedom, today’s children expect to be (and often are) treated as miniature adults, complete with miniature versions of everything adult. With this comes inevitable responsibility and a need for acquisition; the majority of children are too young and immature to deal with either responsibility or acquisitiveness.

Learning the art of patience is an important part of childhood. Childhood and adolescence are marked by other rites of passage – understanding the rewards of a job well done, a lesson learned and a privilege earned – which should be experienced at appropriate stages through the years. Children find it difficult to wait for the moment when their power is increased. When they are six, they can’t wait to be seven; when they are ten, they can’t wait to go to ‘big school’; when they are sixteen, they can’t wait to get their driving licence, have some freedom and go out alone with friends. This sort of impatience is normal and even healthy, but children need to learn to wait for each of the stages, and to feel a sense of pride as they reach these milestones.

Today, everything is pushed on more quickly. Children start school at an earlier age and learn to read earlier. Sporting activities at weekends are organised with ‘adult’ equipment, and some sports teams even go on overseas tours. Children have CD and DVD players and all the latest games; they wear mini-Calvin Klein and Paul Smith; they have mobile telephones and their own computers. Advertising encourages them to look and be seductive and cool; young girls dress in the same style as their heroines – pop stars and celebrities – many of whom are scantily dressed and earning money by being overtly sexy. The inevitable question is, ‘What next?’ How can a child who has already toured Europe with his football team be satisfied with playing for his school or in the park with his brother? How can a child who is bombarded with sexual messages through the media be content to hold hands at a school dance?

The pressure on children to grow up more quickly tends also to suit our modern style of parenting. If we treat our children as if they were older, dress them as if they were older and push them on to achieve things at an increasingly early age, we can justifiably expect ‘adult’ behaviour.

There are several other problems with the ‘adultification’ of childhood. The first is the boredom factor. Many children now complain of being bored, largely because there is very little to look forward to in terms of personal goals. They have ‘been there, done that’. They travel, eat out, wear designer clothes and have all the trappings that matter. They perform in ambitious school productions, take part in international sports events, surf the internet and set up e-mail accounts on their own, have their pocket money paid into their own bank accounts, make their own arrangements via mobile phone and use their considerable purchasing power to buy whatever they want.

When children are exposed to an increasing number of experiences at an early age, they become bored with routine activities. They require greater stimulation and excitement to keep them satisfied. What fun can be had in the park with your parents, when you are used to watching satellite TV in your room with your mates? How boring a day trip to the seaside will seem after a two-week holiday in Florida. Who wants to watch a U-rated film, when you’ve seen an adult-rated movie with your friends?

This adult lifestyle is an assault on young and impressionable bodies and minds. What’s more, many children are being left to make the transition from child to adult on their own. Many children come home to an empty house and have to organise their own time structure and make their own meals. Most are allowed to choose their own entertainment and this often means that they are subjected to conflicting messages on a regular basis. A vast industry has built up around consumption by children and an ever-increasing amount of advertising is directed at them. Advertisers use the media, primarily television, to convince children that they need a whole host of possessions in order to reach the status of ‘cool’ and to be happy.

Television also provides children with experiences of violence, sexuality, broken relationships and inappropriate mentors. Even children who are at home with parents during the day and after school have unhealthy pressures placed upon them by the various media, including television. Children in the USA spend an average of 38 hours a week exposed to media outside of school; by the time they reach the age of eleven, the average child will have witnessed more than 100,000 acts of violence on TV. Children may be exposed to as many as five violent acts per hour during prime time and an average of 26 violent acts per hour during Saturday morning children’s programmes. And that’s just violence.

There is a similar problem with sexual imagery, with teenage starlets paraded regularly in the media in sexy, adult clothing. Sexual precocity is evident increasingly early and teenage pregnancy is on the increase in the Western world. If children have seen it all on screen or heard it all in the lyrics of a pop song, what’s to stop them trying it out for themselves? Why should they bother waiting?

Ignoring or disregarding the vital sequential steps in a child’s development can have serious consequences. Children are confronted with decision-making before they have the necessary emotional or psychological tools; they are entrusted with obligations, possessions and responsibility that make them feel more independent and adult, but which may be too much to bear.

This, of course, puts more pressure on parents. Kids want things sooner and they expect freedoms, possessions, activities and independence that are often inappropriate. Most parents have a grudging sense that the demands they face regularly are at odds with what they intrinsically believe is right, appropriate, normal and moral. This is not, of course, a new problem facing parents, as children have, for generations, always wanted a little more than parents think is appropriate; however, the wealth of external influences on our children make it far more difficult to create and maintain a family policy. In a nutshell, we are in constant battle with the unknown and the ever-changing.

Different strokes

There will be class, religious, geographical and cultural elements that will affect the way you choose to raise your children. What is appropriate for an inner-city child may not be right for someone from the deepest part of the countryside. A child who grows up on a farm may be given plenty of responsibility, but would not have the street savvy of a child from a big city. So the rural child may be mowing the lawn or driving a harvest combiner at the age of ten, but may be out of his depth on the Underground railway system or on city streets. Conversely, a city kid may cope well with independence involving travelling alone, negotiating a map and dealing with street violence, but would probably risk cutting off a toe if handed a lawnmower too soon. These are factors that every parent must take into consideration.

What children need

In order to thrive physically and emotionally, children require boundaries – guidelines that will undoubtedly be tested, often on a daily basis as they move out of childhood and towards adulthood – and they need a consistent approach to discipline. They also, however, require independence as they grow older, room to make their own mistakes and freedom to explore the world around them. In essence, children need wings to soar out into the world, but a healthy dose of common sense and a structured environment to anchor them when required.

Research tells us that, far from spending less time with our children, today’s parents take the job very seriously. According to a study entitled ‘The Changing Face of Childhood’, undertaken by the Future Foundation in the UK, children enjoy significantly more quality time with their parents than children of 30 years ago, with children’s views today being taken into account in the household and parents aspiring to do a better job than their own parents did. Researchers claim that we have become a generation of super parents who devote almost all our time away from work to our offspring. Typically, parents today spend 99 minutes a day with children under sixteen, compared with just 25 minutes in 1975.

‘In the 1970s, the hours at home were spent on household labour, and children were typically left to spend their time outdoors with friends in unstructured play, and to get to and from school by themselves,’ said Meabh Quoirin, head of business development at the Future Foundation.

‘Today’s parents are making the choice to engage with their children far more, taking them on outings, helping them with their homework, joining in their activities and just playing with them more. They are willing to put considerable effort into their relationships with their children and we see an increasingly professionalised approach to bringing them up.’

There can be no doubt that this increased input in our children’s lives will have a positive impact. A long-term Canadian study found that a positive relationship with parents was associated with less bullying, smoking, alcohol and drug use, and less frequent affiliation with deviant peers who engage in substance abuse. It predicted higher self-esteem and fewer internalising problems. Moreover, youths who reported positive relationships with their parents were more likely to report increased school identification and commitment to education, and were less likely to take risks (i.e. to not use a bike helmet and seat belt). It’s clear, therefore, that the quality of the relationship we have with our children is a huge predictor of their overall well-being on many levels.

But that, in essence, compounds the problem. As parents we wish to be there for our children, to be welcoming, accepting, open and communicative in order to establish a healthy relationship. Yet too many parents confuse a good relationship with giving in to demands, and allowing inappropriate freedoms in order to avoid disharmony. We want our children to have high self-esteem, so we grant them privileges and praise them regardless of whether either has been earned. While it is evident that a good relationship can encourage good behaviour, it is also clear that this relationship must be based on sound parenting, reasonable discipline, realistic expectations and mutual respect.

Giving in to demands does not encourage respect, nor does it teach our children self-respect. It is not easy to lay down the law, just as it is equally pointless to lay down too many laws. Every family has to evaluate what is most important to them before setting rules and establishing a code of expected behaviour. As the phrase goes, ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’, and nothing can be more true when dealing with tweenies and teens. If you get yourself into a regular lather about every aspect of your child’s behaviour, plans, perceived needs and demands, and set out to control it all, chances are the relationship will suffer and you’ll encourage rebellion. Work out what is most important to you, and be prepared to offer realistic reasons for your expectations and rules.

THE IMPACT OF PARENTING STYLES

The theory of parenting styles developed from the work of American psychologist Diana Baumrind and other researchers in child development. They studied children who had the qualities most of us would want in our own children: independence, maturity, self-reliance, self-control, curiosity, friendliness and achievement orientation. The researchers then interviewed the parents of these children to ascertain which elements of parenting fostered these qualities. They identified two important ingredients: firstly, responsiveness or warmth and supportiveness; and secondly, demandingness or behavioural control. Descriptions of four styles of parenting are based on these elements.

Authoritarian

Authoritarian or extremely strict parents are highly controlling. They dictate how their children should behave, and stress obedience to authority and discourage discussion. These parents are demanding and directive, they expect their orders to be obeyed and do not encourage give–and-take. They have low levels of sensitivity and do not expect their children to disagree with their decisions.

Authoritative

Authoritative or moderate parents set limits and rely on natural consequences to help children learn by making their own mistakes. Authoritative parents explain why rules are important and why they must be followed. They reason with their children and consider the children’s point of view even though they might not agree. These parents are firm, with kindness, warmth and love. They set high standards and encourage children to be independent.

Permissive

Permissive or indulgent parents are accepting and warm but exert little control. They do not set limits and allow children to set their own rules, schedules and activities. They do not demand the high levels of behaviour required by authoritarian or authoritative parents.

Uninvolved

Uninvolved parents demand little and respond minimally to their offspring. In extreme cases, this parenting style might entail neglect and rejection.

Research has found that the most well-adjusted children, particularly in terms of social competence, had parents with an authoritative, moderate parenting style. These parents are able to balance clear high demands with emotional responsiveness and respect for their child’s autonomy. Both authoritarian and authoritative parents have high expectations of their children and use control, but the overly strict parent expects the child to accept parental judgements unquestioningly and allows the child little freedom of expression. Children of overly strict parents are apt to be reliant on the voice of authority and to be lacking in spontaneity. In contrast, the authoritative parent permits the child enough freedom of expression so that he or she can develop a sense of independence. Permissive parents make few demands and their children have been found to have difficulty controlling their impulses, are immature and reluctant to accept responsibility.

Be prepared to listen to your child. While pre-teens and teens have an amazing capacity to exaggerate and to dramatise, there may be some truth or basis to their argument. If your child is, genuinely, the only one in his class not allowed to walk to school alone or to have a mobile telephone, ask yourself why. Challenge your own thinking and assess your reasons. If your daughter wants to have her ears pierced and you’ve said she has to wait until she is thirteen, ask yourself why. Because that was what you had to do? Is that a relevant argument? Children are not always right, but they aren’t always wrong either.

However, issues and demands are not always straightforward. In many cases there are legal implications and children also have well-defined rights. For example, your 14-year-old daughter is not legally allowed to have sexual intercourse until she is sixteen, but she can have an abortion without any consultation with or permission from her parents well under that age. At sixteen she can buy cigarettes and smoke them to her heart’s content; she can even leave home legally, but she can’t vote and she can’t have a glass of wine with her cigarette unless she’s in the family home or accompanied by an adult (and a meal) in a pub or restaurant. Your 12-year-old son can have his ear pierced and open a bank account; he can make decisions regarding his own health care, but you can be charged with neglect if you leave him alone in the family home and something goes wrong.

Peer pressure

Not only are our children subject to peer pressure, which often guides their demands and expectations, but parents are also at the mercy of pressure from peers. If every parent at your 14-year-old’s Catholic school has decided that it isn’t necessary for their child to attend Sunday mass, how do you weigh this up with what you believe is right? If all the parents in your son’s social group are allowing them to take the train up to watch the football finals at a national stadium, are you being ‘precious’ and overly cautious by objecting? If the majority of your children’s friends are not given a curfew, does that mean that your child shouldn’t have one either? If other parents do not question spending of pocket money or how children spend their leisure time, if they do not encourage any responsibility around the house, or make demands upon their children’s time for family outings or gatherings, should you follow suit? Are you making a mistake by sticking to your guns and parenting by instinct or belief?

It’s not just kid pressure that affects the way we make our decisions; we are guided by what other parents do and by what they allow. It’s not surprising that most parents worry constantly about whether they are doing the right thing, or creating the best environment for their children, and giving them the best opportunities. There is a level of insecurity that most of us feel – and when what we believe in is challenged by the media, our children, and other parents, it’s not surprising that confusion ensues, and we make allowances or concessions with which we are not always happy. We don’t want our children to be left behind in any sense, and unhappily, many of us spend a lot of time looking over our shoulders to work out if we are doing and allowing the same things as everyone else.

Finding a balance

There are ways to negotiate compromises with our children – to parent according to our own beliefs, to protect our children and to ensure that they have a safe, healthy and happy childhood, while at the same time giving them room to grow and develop, and to become independent and responsible adults.

That’s where this book comes in. We’ll look at all the important issues and aspects of raising a child from the age of about eight through to the day they leave home. In many cases, there are legal points that will guide your decision or thinking. In others, there is clear research that shows the impact of the choices we make for our children, and the results of what we might allow. Children’s charities and health and religious organisations offer advice and guidelines where legislation doesn’t exist – in the case of leaving children alone, for example, or dealing with peer pressure, bullying or health problems.

We’ll look at what happens to our children at various ages, both physically and emotionally, and what they are capable of doing and, indeed, mature enough to do, at each stage. Every child is different, and each matures at his or her own speed. What is right for one child may simply be inappropriate for another. One child may be sensible enough to walk to school at age seven, while his younger brother may have to wait another year or so. A shy, under-confident child may baulk at taking the train into town with his mates, while his more confident sister could negotiate the journey with ease at the same age. Knowledge of your children is probably the most important factor in making any decision regarding the way you parent.