LXII.
MY FUST GONG
I never kan eradicate holy from mi memry the sound ov the first gong I ever herd – i was setting on the frunt stupe ov a tavern in the sitty ov Bufferlo, pensively a smokin. The sun was a goin tu bed, and the heavens fur and nere was blushing at the purformanse. The Eri kanall with its goldin waters was on its windin wa tu albany, and i was perusin the line botes, a flotin by, and thinkin ov Italy, (whare i used tu live,) and her gondolers, and gallus wimmin. Mi entire sole was, as it ware in a swet, i wanted tu climb, i felt grate, i aktually grew. Thar ar things in this life tu big tu be trifled with, thar ar times when a man brakes luce from hisself, when he sees speerits, when he kan almost tuch the moon, and feels as tho he kud fill both hands with the stars ov heavin and almost sware he was a bank president. Thats what ailed me. But the korse ov tru luv never did run smoove, (this iz Shakesperes opinion too, i and he often think thru one quill) just az i was duing my best, … dummer, dummer, spat, bang, beller, crash, roar, ram, dummer, dummer, whang, rip, rare, rally, dummer, dummer, dummer dum, … with one tremenjis jump, i struck the senter ov the side walk, with anuther i kleared the gutter and with anuther, i stud in the middle ov the strets snorting like a injin poney, at a band ov musik; i gazed in wilde dispare at the tavern stand, mi harte swelled up as big as an out door oven, mi teeth were as luce as a string ov prairy beads. I thout all the crokery in the tavern stand had fell down, i thout ov fenomenoms, i thought ov gabrel and his horn. i was just on the pint ov thinking ov sumthing else when the landlord cum out to the frunt stupe ov the tavern stand holding by a string the bottom ov an old brass kittle. He called me gentla with his hand i went slola and sadla tu him, he calmed mi feres, he ced it was a gong; i saw the cussed thing, he ced supper was reddy, he axed me if i would hav black or green tea and i ced i would.
LXIII.
PROVERBS
Up-and-down men are skase, but the horizontal are less skaser.
Thare iz sum disseazes that kant be kured even bi deth, for we oftin see them brake out on a man's tombstun more violent than ever.
The burden ov menny ov the songs that are ritten iz the song itself.
Thare iz no better kompliment tew vartue than this: "That Vise alwus konkocts her grate plans in the naim ov vartue."
The tempel ov Fame iz lokated on an exceeding hi mountin, and yu hav got tew fli or kreep tew git tew it. (N. B. This provarb haz bin ced before, and ain't one ov mine, but it iz jiss as tru as tho it was.)
Buty iz a short suckcess, but while it lastes it iz quite pretty.
"The flour ov the familee," iz, alas! quite oftin a little injun.
If innersense iz onla the result ov ignoranse, it ain't enny more one ov the vartues than buty iz; but if it iz the effek ov eddikashun it iz the queen ov the vartues.
Vartue needs awl the enemys she haz got, tew keep her tools bright and in order.
I never beleaved mutch in spirits unless tha kum direk from Jamaka, and then onla in small-sized ones.
"Absense ov mind;" about 2 thirds ov the humin rase are trubbled with this kalamitee.
It taiks 2 tew maik a bargin; it ought tew taik 2 tew brake it.
Yu ma differ as mutch as yu plese about the stile ov a yung lady's figger, but i tell yu konfidenshally, if she has got $40,000, the figger is about as near rite as yu wil git it.
"Glory enuff for one day;" attending a kamp meeting.
Goldsmith sez, "Larn the luxury ov dewing good;" but the luxury, now a daze, consiss in larning how tew du a leetle better.
I often hear affekshunate husbands kall their wifes "Mi Duck," i wunder if this ain't a sli delusion tew their big bills?
LXIV.
DISIPLIN IZ EVRATHING – IN 2 PARTS
Part Fust– I dont suppoze thare is enny dout about this assershun. A man who haint got propper disiplin, iz jist about ov az mutch uze tew hiz fellow critters az a wether cock wud be amung a parcil ov barnyard pulletts. Injuns haint got enny disciplin, and, konsequentla, the more injuns a man had tew run a kotton faktory with, the wus he wud be oph. Turning a grinstone iz fust rate disiplin. If a man ov ornary mind haint got disiplin, he bekums a lofer the fust good chanse he gits. Thare haz bin, perhaps, a fu individoals born into the world that did'nt want mutch disiplin – Homer, and Virgil, and Shakesper, and sich like, if tha had bin sot to turning a grinstone it mite hav spilt them – tha waz like Eagles, made tu fli without enny praktis. Disiplin iz evrathing. The thurer bred Hoss wants the smoothe bit ov disiplin – the mule wants the sled-stake disiplin.
Part Seckunt.– Majer Spenser had leaf ov abscense from his regiment, and was glad enuff, i tell yu, tew swap the pesky air ov the suthern konfederasy for the brittle breth ov Nu England. He spent his time a climeing the mountains ov his natiff land, and looking way down into the hollers; he worryed the trouts as tha swum up and down hill in the brooks, and he gethered penroyal for his good old Ma tu hang up in the wood hous chamber, tew make arb tea ov next winter. Majer Spenser had a brother who was a minister ov the gospil, and the Majer boarded with him. One Sunda nite the minister and the Majer sot kommuning together. The moon cum up out ov the East, as big as an old fashund kart wheel (one ov the ox kind ov kart wheels, i mean,) the stars stuk clean out ov the ski, and the air was filled with the musick ov the cows a chawing their cuds in the distance. All natur la undisturbed. "Brother," ced Parson, a braking the paws, "how did yu like divine sarvice to-day?" "Very well, sir, very well, sir," ced the Majer, "if that dam deakin ov yurs hadn't refused to pra when yu asked him. Disiplin, sir, disiplin iz evry thing."
LXV.
CORRESPONDENTS
Olivia– I never have visited the Mormons, but my friend Artemus Ward has, and he tells me they are a healthy people, and fond ov femail society. He says they hav more religion, akordin to their populashun, than tha kno what to dew with. They marry young and often. The produkshun ov the country iz Mormons. They beleaf in a hereafter, but it iz genrally a hereafter of wimmin. They are fond ov amusements, sich az pitching cents and sliding down hill.
Scipio– If I had the dyspepsy I would buy me a hard trotting hoss (off from the kanawl,) and ride him bare back 40 miles a day for a spase ov time. If that didn't seem tew influense me, I would soke in cold water for 12 months. If that didn't seem tew influense me, I would issue proposals tew the lowest bidder to be fed for one year on bran bred and slippery elm tea. If that didn't seem tew influense me, I would sell my house and lot, and invest the proceeds in pattent medisin, and take the whole lot in rotashun. If that didn't seem tew influense me, I would cum tew the konklusion that I had the water brash, or some other thing, I didn't care which, and take a job ov thrashing out wet rye for evry tenth bushel, and git – well.
Clarence– We never undertake tew return rejekted manuskrip. The fact iz, we don't read more than half we reject. It iz a way we hav got.
Matty– It iz very natral that you should ask me in what manner you should reseave the proposal from your lover. It iz sumthing ov a trick tew dew it nice. You don't ought tew jump into the collar suddin, nor fly back suddin, like a bocky hoss, but yu ought tew take it kind, looking down hill, with an expreshun, about half tickled and half scart. After the pop iz over, if your luvver wants tew kiss you, I dont think I would say yes or no, but let the thing kind ov take its own course. There iz one thing I hav alwus stuck tew, and that iz, give me long courtships and engagements.
Stujent– We never furnish ortograffs in less quantity than bi the package. It iz a bizness that grate men hav got into, but it dont strik us az being profitable nor amuzing. We furnished a near and very dear friend our ortograff a few years ago, for 90 days, and it got into the hands ov one of the banks, and it kost us $275 tew get it back. We went out of the bizzness then, and have not hankered for it sinse.
LXVI.
JOSH BILLINGS AT SARATOGA SPRINGS
It will probely fill you with an arnest solisitude for mi fate, az it dus me with emoshuns of stupenjus grander, tu find miself at this grate modern Siloam, this august whirlpool ov wine, wimmin and hosses; this fairy sceen ov poetry, dreams, and natural fisick. Upon mi arival, i took immegiate rooms at the tavern called the "Union now and forever," and commensed at onst tu kreate a sensashun – "Dignatum hok hanimum disisimo." This centiment is from the Chocktaw ov Raphael, and is one ov mi faverite quotashuns.
The town is about haf full ov folks, menny of them hav been highly renowned. I kould name them personaly by name, but this wud look like affekshun in me, az tha hav alreddy sent in their kard, and begged the privilege ov kalling on me, at mi moste soonest spare time. It will be impossible for me, my amiable friends, tu give yu ennything like a well digested orashun, ov the eckstatick wonders that hover around me, among which i am permitted tu menshun the pensiv modesta ov the unmarried; the gushing rapture ov the married; the shadowy tenderness ov the widders, and the universal fisick that fills up the pauzes. Theze are subjecks which hav bin writ onto so much that all the good things haz bin said.
It iz a source ov grate pride tu see so menny here from youre citty, and what fills me with gratitude tu an overruling Providence, iz the fac that their festiv naturs develop into such lovelyness here; thare iz dekon L – , and Elder P – , for instanze, with whom i take a drink evry time tha ask me. I think now that i shall remain here for sevral years. I am allmost sorry i didn't bring mi jewelry trunk with me; i'll bet i could hav sold a thousand Dollars worth a da, ov brest pins. It iz a fust rate place here tu buy hosses cheap. i waz offered 2 carriage hosses for onla 25 hundred dollars; i shud hav tuk them, but i couldn't hire enny boddy tu take them hum for me. There iz a grate menny here who talk with a forrin tung. I am trieing it. My wife laffs at me, and kalls me "her dark komplekted one!" – Tha hav got here alreddy tu or three billyard tabils in suckcessful operrashun, and i am told that, if pease iz declared, nex season tha intend tu start a 10-pin allee.
Congriss Spring is lokated here; it tasts verry much like sumthing or ruther, i kant tell which, and iz now generally admitted tu be kartharticus. I am partiklar impressed with the moral centiment that pervades things here. I am told a man wanted tu hire a room tu gamble in with dominoze, but the authoritize immejiately burnt him in effigee. Dimonds are trumps here, and menny good hands are held. Thare is no end tu the number ov selebrated belles here. Thare is one that cums out about 3 o'clock every day, that takes them all down. I allude now in a kind ov burleskish wa tu the dinner-bell. But, after all, Solomon gits mi time when he bust out in this fashun, "All is vanitee and vexashun of spirits." Good for Solomon! Mi christain friends, good-bi.
Josh Billings.
LXVII.
NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME
The shanghi ruseter is a gentile, and speaks in a forrin tung. He is bilt on piles like a Sandy Hill crane. If he had bin bilt with 4 legs, he wud resembel the peruvian lama. He is not a game animil, but quite often cums off sekund best in a ruff and tumble fite; like the injuns, tha kant stand sivilization, and are fast disappearing. Tha roost on the ground, similar tew the mud turkle. Tha oftin go to sleep standing, and sum times pitch over, and when tha dew, tha enter the ground like a pickaxe. Thare food consis ov korn in the ear. Tha crow like a jackass, troubled with the bronskeesucks. Tha will eat as mutch tu onst as a district skule master, and ginerally sit down rite oph tew keep from tipping over. Tha are dredful unhandy tew cook, yu hav tu bile one eend ov them tu a time, yu kant git them awl into a potash kittle tu onst. The femail ruster lays an eg as big as a kokernut, and is sick for a week afterwards, and when she hatches out a litter of yung shanghis she has tew brood them standing and then kant kiver but 3 ov them – the rest stand around on the outside, like boys around a cirkus tent, gitting a peep under the kanvas when ever tha kan. The man who fust brought the breed into this kuntry ought tew own them all and be obliged tew feed them on grasshoppers, caught bi hand. I never owned but one and he got choked tu deth bi a kink in a clothes line, but not until he had swallered 18 feet ov it. Not enny shanghi for me, if yu pleze; i wuld rather board a travelling kolporter, and as for eating one, giv me a biled owl rare dun, or a turkee buzzard, roasted hole, and stuffed with a pair ov injun rubber boots, but not enny shanghi for me, not a shanghi!
LXVIII.
IS DISPOSING OV THINGS FOR CHARITABEL PURPOSES BI "LOT" A SIN?
EXAMINED BY JOSH BILLINGS
Fustly– I think it is a sin. So it is a sin tew dew a sin, that good may cum out ov it, but the good that comes out ov it aint a sin, is it? Ha!
Sekundly– I think it is a sin onse more. So i think the manefakter ov sider brandee is a sin, but the use ov it tew kure the rhumatiz aint a sin mutch.
Thirdly– I think it is a sin onse morely. So is this war a sin, but we awl of us are in hopes that its fruits will be righteousness, and righteousness aint no sin.
Fourthly– I keep thinking that it is a sin. So is cutting oph a dog's tale tew keep it from gitting stepped on, a sin, but it dont hurt the dog for ketching rats, duz it?
Fifthly and lastly, i kno it is a sin. Bekase awl those who make the most fuss about it, are the verry ones, who if tha shud be misled into buying a tiket for one dollar and didn't draw a mowing masheen, wud feal rite off as tho the Lord warnt on their side.
Moral.– Dont engage in a "Lot," unless yu are parfekly willing the Lord shud have the tiket and the mowing masheen too.
LXIX.
ADVERTIZEMENT
I kan sell for eighteen hundred and thirty-nine dollars, a pallas, a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the virgin banks ov the Hudson, kontaining 85 acres. The land is luxuriously divided by the hand of natur and art, into pastor and tillage, into plain and deklivity, into stern abruptness, and the dallianse ov moss-tufted medder; streams ov sparkling gladness, (thick with trout,) danse through this wilderness ov buty, tew the low musik ov the kricket and grasshopper. The evergreen sighs az the evening zephir flits through its shadowy buzzum, and the aspen trembles like the luv-smitten harte ov a damsell. Fruits ov the tropicks, in golden buty, melt on the bows, and the bees go heavy and sweet from the fields to their garnering hives. The manshun iz ov Parian marble, the porch iz a single diamond, set with rubiz and the mother ov pearl; the floors are ov rosewood, and the ceilings are more butiful than the starry vault of heavin. Hot and cold water bubbles and squirts in evry apartment, and nothing is wanting that a poet could pra for, or art could portray. The stables are worthy of the steeds ov Nimrod or the studs ov Akilles, and its henery waz bilt expressly for the birds of paradice; while somber in the distance, like the cave ov a hermit, glimpses are caught ov the dorg-house. Here poets hav cum and warbled their laze – here skulptors hav cut, here painters hav robbed the scene ov dreamy landskapes, and here the philosopher diskovered the stun, which made him the alkimist ov natur. Nex northward ov this thing ov buty, sleeps the residense and domain ov the Duke John Smith; while southward, and nearer the spice-breathing tropicks, may be seen the barronial villy ov Earl Brown, and the Duchess, Widder Betsy Stevens. Walls ov primitiff rock, laid in Roman cement, bound the estate, while upward and downward, the eye catches far away, the magesta and slow grander ov the Hudson. As the young morn hangs like a cutting ov silver from the blu brest ov the ski, an angel may be seen each night dansing with golden tiptoes on the green. (N. B. This angel goes with the place.)
Biagrams kan be seen at the offiss ov the broker. Terms flattering. None but principals delt with. Title as pure as the breth ov a white male infant, and possession given with the lark. For more full deskripshun, read Ovid's Art ov Luv, or kall (in yure carriage) on Josh Billings, Real Estate Agent.
LXX.
OUT WEST!
Tha sa the praree chickens are so thik, out West, tha hav tew put up poles awl over the kuntry for them tew roost on.
When tha bust up, out there, tha pay their debts, by jineing the church.
It being agin the law tew carry consealed weepons, evry man carrys one in his hand.
A man who don't kno how tew pla uker, would not be believed under oath.
It iz 5 dollars fine, in Cinsinnatti, tew strike a hog, in anger.
Tha don't bore for ile, out thare, tha bore for whiskee, and hav the best luk in the visinity ov the graveyards.
In sum parts, out West, it iz almoste unpossibel tew git water; one man in Pike County dug a well 90 feet deep, and then struk a bed ov sawdust; he put in an injine, and iz pumping out a 1000 bushel a da, which he sells tew the Government, for hoss feed.
The prinsipal produkshuns or the kuntry are, whiskee in the ear, and rale rode stok in the bundle.
LXXI.
SAYINS
About the only difference between the poor and the ritch, is this, the poor suffer mizery, while the ritch hav tu enjoy it.
"Bee yee as wize as a sarpint, and as harmlis as a duve," and then if a feller cums a fooling around yure duve, yu kan set yure sarpint at him.
Rize arly, work hard, and late, live on what yu kant sell, giv nothing awa, and if yu dont die ritch, and go tu the devil, yu ma sue me for damages.
Marrin for love ma be a little risky, but it is so honest, that God kant help but smile on it.
There is one thing I kant never forgit nor I hain tried to, and that is, the fust time I kissed a gal.
If I was asked, "what is the chief end of man now a daze," I should immegiatly repli, "10 per cent."
Yu may argy a bull Tarrier out ov a bone, but yu kant argy a woman out ov her will.
Mi advise tu them who are about tu begin, in arnest, the jurney ov life, is tu take their harte in one hand and a club in the other.
The biggest glutton I ever herd tell ov, was the feller out in Indianny, who eat a pair ov twin lams for brekfast, and then chased the ole yew three miles and a haf.
The peacock has one ov the most butifullest tails in the world, but i tak notis he dont drag it on the ground when he walks out.
LXXII.
A WIMMIN'S LEAGUE MEETIN
I don't kno when i hav bin filled so near up tew the brim with a fond feelink for the fair sek az i was last nite at mi natiff plase, the good old borough ov Billingsville, whither i had gone on a visit tew git mi boots tapped. The wimmin had called a meetin' ov the fair sekts tew take into konsiderashun the propriety ov not wareing enny more clothes, that is, forrin bilt clothes. The meetin waz got into shape bi kalling Mrs. Peleg Pewter tew the chair. The fust thing she did waz tew create a silence, which she did after about 30 minnits, awl excep a fu whispering, which she could not dry up.
The style ov the meetin' having bin sot up in big type bi the Mrs. Peleg Pewter, she ced thare waz an opening, and no less than 4 wimmin started for the opening at onst; but the president decided that Mrs. Cynthee Coon waz about one neck ahed, and tharefore, waz entitled tew the fust heat. She waz a woman about 14 hands hi, and wore wollen stockings. She ced she waz for home manafakter and waz agin awl luxury excep a nu shawl, and that she must hav. She ced she waz willing tew giv up silk, but she must hav 1 more nu shawl if it bust her.
She ced she thought thare ought tew be sum diskriminashun between what folks didn't want and what tha did, and for her part she was reddy tew go her length or ennyboddy else's length agin the noshun that poor people had ov hankering after imported goods.
Her speech lasted for about 2 hours, and was listened to with breathless expense. When she sot down the wimmin gathered around her; sum ov them held camphor tew her noze, sum ov them unhooked her dress, and one ov them, more thoughtful than the rest, mixed up a gin sling, which she struggled with for a minnit, and then ced it did her soul good. A committee ov 3 ov the heavyest wimmin was appointed bi the chair with power tew draw up a sett ov resolushuns which was reported as follows:
Whereas, resolved, that silks, and shawls, and so forth, are a luxury from imported kuntrys, and we are down on them.
Resolved, that we are down on silks and shawls.
Resolved, that we wont uze silks and shawls onla in case ov sickness.
Resolved, that the foregoing resolushuns be published 3 times a week in the Billingsville Weekly, and that our husbands foot the bills or we foot them – the bills.
Resolved, that we pledg ourselfs, our fortins, and our natiff land, tew sustane the above sett ov resolushuns.
After taking a pinch ov snuff, and kissing awl around, the meeting broke up tew meet "sine die" on the next Teusday… Ov course no male man was allowed at the meetin', but i receaved a koppa ov the resolushuns the nex morning, accompanyed with mi respeks.
Bu va yana 2 ta kitob 399 UZS